Everyone in our fat, dumb and happy country gathers around the TV at 12:59 p.m. today armed with four things.

A remote control. A beverage or six. A fantasy team. And predictions.

Seriously, did anybody on the ESPN payroll not weigh in this week with their hapless … um, fearless forecast for the NFL this season? It only left me wondering how it’s mathemetically possible for every team except the Lions to finish 8-8 or better.

There must be some Hammurabi’s Code that precludes retired players from thinking anything aloud that could be construed as a negative slant toward current players. Kind of like the way Clinton and Bush 41 won’t say anything derogatory about the other’s presidency, choosing instead to film “Grumpy Old Men III” on a fishing boat in Kennebunkport.

I’m under no such limitations, glory be. And since my assessments are at least as informed and impassioned as Tim McGraw’s … Sit back, relax, clip neatly, slip the following into a sock drawer and remember who told you so when you examine the evidence five months from now.

AFC EAST

1. New England — The best defense is a disgustingly stacked offense.

2. N.Y. Jets — Waiting for the cell phone photos of Mark Sanchez playing beer pong at 3 a.m. Until then, I think he’s legit.

3. Miami — Poland Regional High School played a tougher schedule last year.

4. Buffalo — Signing Terrell Owens is like choosing to snort the H1N1 virus from a Petri dish.

AFC NORTH

1. Pittsburgh — Tila Tequila could file trumped-up charges against Roethlisberger, Ward and Polamalu, and the Steelers still wouldn’t be distracted enough to blow this grossly overrated division.

2. Baltimore — Only a city that endured Tony Banks, Trent Dilfer and Kyle Boller could be this geeked about Joe Flacco.

3. Cincinnati — It only five minutes of the HBO “Hard Knocks” documentary this summer to remind me why this franchise is one of the sorriest in pro sports.

4. Cleveland -— Little Bill will alienate more reporters than Big Bill did. And his stay will be shorter.

AFC SOUTH

1. Indianapolis — Peyton Manning. Kerry Collins. Matt Schaub. David Garrard. Yeah, my cats could have made this pick.

2. Tennessee — Titans have the best coach in the business. That’s good for at least four wins by itself.

3. Jacksonville — Took the usual step back after an overachieving year. The truth is somewhere in the middle.

4. Houston — Everyone’s darkhorse for, what, the sixth consecutive season? Wrong again.

AFC WEST

1. San Diego — See “Pittsburgh” and substitute the names Rivers, Tomlinson and Merriman.

2. Denver — Josh McDaniels could turn everyone’s whine into water, and it wouldn’t be enough of a miracle for the delusional Broncos faithful.

3. Oakland — Raiders, or Chiefs? Chiefs, or Raiders? It’s like choosing the healthier person in a leper colony.

4. Kansas City — Todd Haley is a younger, hipper, angrier version of Ray Handley.

NFC EAST

1. Philadelphia — Eagles will follow the typical script. Start 5-5. Get everyone wanting to send Donovan McNabb to the UFL for a player to be named later. Go on an out-of-nowhere streak and win a division that’s more reputation and style than substance.

2. N.Y. Giants — Forget Plaxico Burress. How are the G-Men gonna live without David Tyree?

3. Dallas — Will find a way to screw it up.

4. Washington — Jim Zorn, himself, today, is a better option at quarterback than Jason Campbell.

NFC NORTH

1. Chicago — Much as I’d love to see Jay Cutler look like Bob Avellini, the Bears have too much talent around him.

2. Minnesota — Had a team on the cusp of something special and chose to sell its soul.

3. Green Bay — Aaron Rodgers has that Drew Bledsoe look in his eyes. God-given talent, check. Sickeningly strong arm, check. Uncanny ability to crap his pants in the fourth quarter of a close game, check.

4. Detroit — Calvin Johnson might be the best player in the league. Which aptly demonstrates how egregious the rest of this franchise is.

NFC SOUTH

1. New Orleans — It’s the Saints’ turn to win the perennial worst-to-first division.

2. Carolina — If there’s a team that needs to go all-Wildcat, all-the-time, this one’s it.

3. Atlanta — Not as good as you think they are.

4. Tampa Bay — Bucs have rediscovered the aimlessness that made them a laughingstock for 20 years.

NFC WEST

1. San Francisco — My upset special. If nothing else, the ‘Niners are motivated not to let Mike Singletary drop his pants at halftime ever again.

2. Arizona — I love Kurt Warner, but he’s older than I am and has a right thumb held together with dental floss.

3. Seattle — At least Jim Mora is closer to his dream job at the University of Washington.

4. St. Louis — One Stephen Jackson knee ligament away from becoming the Lions.

AFC Wild Card teams: Baltimore, Tennessee.

NFC Wild Card teams: N.Y. Giants, Minnesota.

AFC Championship: San Diego over New England. Just have a bad feeling the Chargers will take advantage of that hideous division and win home-field advantage.

NFC Championship: Chicago over New Orleans. Cutler over Brees in a battle of Philip Rivers’ two favorite quarterbacks.

Super Bowl XLIV: San Diego over Chicago. I can’t believe I just typed that. Please remember this and send me the taunting e-mails I deserve when the first Monday in February rolls around. 

Thank you. You’ve been a lovely audience. Enjoy Tim McGraw. If that’s possible.

Kalle Oakes is a staff columnist. His e-mail is [email protected].