Badlands

So, I’m stopped at a corner store somewhere in Bowdoin. Or possibly Litchfield or maybe Sabattus. I’ve been on the trails all day and I’m not really sure where I am. So I pop into the store to ask the proprietor which road will bring me back to Lewiston. The ensuing dialogue went like this:

Shopkeeper: Lewiston? You don’t want to go to Lewiston.

Me: I don’t?

Shopkeeper: Nope. Not unless you have a gun.

Me: A gun you say …

Shopkeeper: Yup, a gun. Bad things happen in Lewiston.

Me: Really, now …

Shopkeeper: That’s a fact. If you have to go to Lewiston, drive real fast through it.

Me: And bring a gun.

Shopkeeper: That’s right, bring a gun.

I was tempted to comment how the newspaper in Lewiston must have some real top-notch reporters if crime is so rampant there. Instead, I got back on my bike and trucked into Lewiston where nothing at all was happening. Butterflies landed on my mirrors and sang songs all the way to the peaceful city. You just can’t believe anything you hear at a store in Bowdoin. Or possibly Litchfield or maybe Sabattus.

Jerry Mathers in Lewiston!

Which no doubt will inspire a generation of “Leave it to Beaver” fans to react with: “Holy crap! Jerry Mathers is still alive?”

It’s a gas

On Wednesday, someone called the 911 dispatch center and burped. Police spent the rest of the day looking for someone who just downed six cans of Coke.

Bates speaker riles faithful

Biologist and outspoken atheist PZ Myers taunting the faithful. It’s such a showy way of compensating for a childhood of getting picked on by Catholic schoolgirls. With a name like PZ, you better learn to rap, dawg.

“Five-Oh!”

I actually heard someone yell this out along Park Street the other day in reference to an approaching policeman. I would ask that you please subscribe to the Street newsletter so that you will receive updates on what terminology is still cool. The proper term to warn of encroaching cops, for example, is “Po-po.” Please delete “five-oh” from your files. Jack Lord thanks you. (If you get that reference, you are definitely not street.) 

Jon & Kate Nauseate

It saddens me that I know who these people are. Made television stars because of an ability to reproduce with alarming success, now they’re divorcing. Cease and desist orders have been filed to halt filming at the house that procreation built. With divorce and court orders, nobody wins. Except me, who may soon be spared stumbling upon the unhappy couple while surfing for quality television programming, such as the “Family Guy” or “Robot Chicken.” 

Overhead in the newsroom

If you want a glimpse of what life is like at a newspaper, check out this Web site: http://overheardinthenewsroom.com/. If you want to know what life is like at the Sun Journal, just keep repeating: “Somebody call Human Resources. LaFlamme is naked again.”

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