Pharmacies robbed for oxycodone

You know how banks use exploding dye packs in the loot to help police catch robbers? It’s time for pharmacists to band together and create a similar product. In particular, mix up a batch of pills that look like oxy but are in fact laxatives. The really potent stuff, too, with Tabasco sauce and a dash of cayenne pepper. This will create a messy but helpful trail for police to follow, if they don’t find the suspect squatting in the parking lot. In matters of crime, things always come out in the end. 

Marj Simpson does Playboy

She’s a handsome woman and all, but somehow seeing her on the cover that way evokes the same wincing reaction you’d get ogling a kindly aunt or that matronly school teacher you never had a crush on. She’s no Lois Griffin, that’s for sure. Lois is the hottest thing in cartoon ink since Bugs Bunny dressed up as a she-devil to entice Elmer Fudd. But I’m just thinking aloud now.

Place awesome robbery/cartoon segue here

It’s the classic cartoon stick-up. A mustachioed man walks into a pizza joint with his hands in his pockets, no doubt twisting his fingers into a gun shape. “Give me all your dough, see?” he demands before running out of the place with bags of cash that are actually marked with giant dollar signs. Only it happened in the Twin Cities, so instead, the villain was startled out of the robbery by (there’s no way he could have seen this coming) an actual customer walking into the store. So the mustachioed marauder fled and sprinted across the parking lot. If this had been a real cartoon, he would have disappeared into an open manhole with a hysterical cartoon sound effect (usually “zoooot!”) only to be get snagged on the Devil’s pitchfork down in the dark. Real life is never as fun as the cartoons. 

Sportsmans Athletic Club closed

What a drag.

Olympia Snowe crosses party lines

Well, we always suspected she was bi-partisan curious. (Yes, I know John Stewart used the line Wednesday night. But it’s my position that I used it a long time ago and Stewart stole it outright from me.) 

Mechanic wanted

Since I’ll miss my Suzuki so much when winter comes down, I’m looking for an auto body specialist to make some modifications to my car. In particular, I’ll want handlebars to replace the steering wheel and a throttle instead of a gas pedal. Also if you could rip off the doors and side panels and remove two of the wheels, that’d be great. 

The Great Balloon Hoax

I did the very same thing when I was a boy only nobody went looking for me.

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