Trick or treat, smell my feet
Remember that? Classic. And because I won’t be around the week of Halloween, here are some other classics, along with my reassurances that you need not worry about any of it.

Stalked at Lover’s Lane
You know this one. After sucking face all night at the local make-out spot, the young couple is horrified to find a bloody hook dangling from the car door. This might have been a plausible story back in the day, but who goes to Lover’s Lane anymore? These days, young people slobber all over each other right there at McDonald’s, making everybody else, including the escaped lunatic with the hook for a hand, extremely uncomfortable. Plus, most of these hot-to-trot kids are pierced over 75 percent of their bodies. Show them a bloody hook, they’ll find a way to insert it into a nostril for display.

Those calls are coming from inside the house!
Big whoop. This may have been a terrifying feat in 1975, when only a brilliant madman could pull off the complex wiring to make such a call. These days, even a bush league killer is going to have a working knowledge of Skype. But who needs it? Any maniac with a clue is going to see that sending a text message to announce his intentions is way easier than doing it vocally. It will look like this: IM going 2 kill you L8er. LOL! The “LOL” being the modern version of the demented cackle of yore.

Bloody Mary
Say her name three times into a mirror and an angry ghost mother will jump out and kick your delicate derriere all over the bathroom. Sure, if it’s 1873 and you have one of those ornate, free-standing mirrors that were all the rage. I wish Bloody Mary all the luck in the world bursting out of an average medicine cabinet. She’d be blinded by Axe body spray, Nair would snatch her bald, she’d trip on a feminine sponge and stumble mouth-first into bottles of Vicodin that will render her stoned for the duration of her trip beyond the ectoplasm. Yeah, come again, skank.

Killer in the backseat
Of what? Your minivan? That murderous fiend will get so absorbed watching “Toy Story” on the backseat DVD, he’ll forget all about his plans to open your jugular.

The vanishing hitchhiker
Who picks up a hitchhiking woman dressed in a wedding gown at 2 in the morning, anyway? Other than that teenager in Poland who did it in August, that is. But he was young and didn’t know, like the rest of us, that anybody who hitchhikes after midnight is a ghost.

Ghastly acts committed by reporter
Because he’s desperate for news. That tired plot has been done to death. Don’t believe a word of it. Never happen. Not in a million years. Have a great Halloween without me. I have things to do.

Copy the Story Link