Crazy about feet
Word spread Tuesday night that a man with an apparent nose for toes was footloose somewhere in Cumberland County. Tackling people and stealing their shoes, he was, for his own personal delight. While police got to work hunting the culprit, the rest of us got busy with our own work at hand: drumming up a name for the fiend. So far these appellations include: The Birkenstalker; The Two-Pump Chump; The Sandal Vandal; Shoehorn Leghorn; The Sketcher Lecher; Springheel Jack; The Dr. Scholl Troll; Sole Brother; Quagmire and simply The Heel. We welcome your contributions.

Bumpits!
Did I miss a memo? Is gigantic hair the sexy rage of the season? Because with these volumizing inserts, the ladies are stacking their hair so high into the air, it may interfere with satellite signals. Buildings will have to be modified with higher doorways and ceilings. Extra space will be required on drivers licenses for normal height (five foot, three) and Bumpits height (nine feet.) Dogs will routinely lift their legs in the direction of Bumpits women because they look so much like hedges.

The Bumpits commercials have barrelled in to fill the void left by the Snuggie people, who have sold so many of their fleece straight jackets they could afford to buy their own islands to retire to, where they can laugh at the people who paid actual money for those ridiculous things.

You’ve seen the Bumpits spots. Women who appear to be clinically insane stare at their reflections with blazing delight as their hair grows higher and higher. From flat to fabulous in seconds! Only, if you look at the dramatic before and after photos of these hair-crazed models, an amazing thing is revealed. The “before” ladies look perfectly fine. Very pretty. You’d like to take them on a romantic cruise if you could stop stuttering long enough to ask them. Then the “after” photo pops up and you run shrieking from your living room because my God! Her hair is up so damn high, a Sherpa wouldn’t risk the climb.

In the Flat vs. Fabulous conflict generated by the Bumpits people, I’ll take flat every time. The Fabulous girls look like they’re wearing wigs over football helmets. But don’t take my word for it. Check out the evidence at bumpits.com and take a gander at the towering future.

Courteous, kind, obedient
After two days of writing news stories about the Boy Scouts, I think it’s fair to say I’ve become an honorary member. I could describe the secret handshake, but if I did, Webelos would be required to go to your house and remove the part of your brain responsible for remembering handshakes.

Yankees suck?
I know you have six T-shirts, four hats, a belt buckle and two bumper stickers with this sentiment, but they yawned their way through the postseason and won the World Series. Time to come up with a different expression of frustration or put your shirts, hats, buckles and stickers away and wait for the year the Yankees don’t spend six trillion dollars on two guys.

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