Ocean State Job Lots
What you people love about stores like this is the very thing I find to be a drag: It’s too big and it has too much stuff. Why can’t somebody open a store that has like, four items?

Out with the old
If you’re like me and you find peopleofwalmart.com to be soooooo August, why not ditch that tired habit and try something new? Namely, peopleofpublictransit.com. Who knew? People are disgusting and embarrassing at subway terminals, too.

Aerosmith looking for new singer
My vote: Susan Boyle.

Non-flying man jumps from window
It happened on Bates Street in Lewiston when a 27-year-old made the four-story leap to escape police who had come looking for him. This is the same neighborhood where years ago I saw another felon make a similar plummet toward freedom. Only that guy chickened out at the last minute and ended up dangling from the side of the building wearing nothing more then red, satin underpants. Somebody told him the ’70s were over and he was taken to jail. I think the lesson here is, if you’re a wanted man living on Bates Street, keep a trampoline on the ground beneath your window.

Swine flu
Never has an infectious disease been rolled so quickly into a fail-safe excuse to get out of work, family commitments or boring social functions. Want to bail on the Snodgrass Scrabble night? Tell them you’ve got sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever action going on after the trip to the Mexican hog farm, and they’ll never invite you anywhere again. It’s too bad because H1N1 has got to be a triple word score or something exotic like that. I don’t know. I hate Scrabble.

Ya got any squirt?
Also due to fears over H1N1, hand sanitizer can now be bought by the dime bag.

Hannaford in Turner
Go ahead. Rip down the woods. That will only send more mysterious beasts scrambling into backyards and terrorizing the populace.

Your call is very important to us
To Jeannine, the nice lady who left me a message regarding the frustration of automated telephone systems. Yours is a perfectly valid complaint and I’d like to talk to you about it. However, you failed to leave your phone number so I was unable to call you back. Please try me once more and press 1 if you want to repeat your complaint. If you have since come up with a new gripe, press 2. If the whole thing was a ruse and you simply want to hear my voice, press 3. If you find my sarcasm unbearable and would like to forget the whole thing, press 4. If you want to know what I’m wearing, press 5. If you have nothing but good things to say about my motorcycle, press 6. Otherwise, stay on the line and check out the really awesome mix tape I’m using for hold music.

Sarah Palin on tour
Hopefully she’ll come to Lewiston where she can help an eye on those crafty Quebecers.

Stamping out crime
In Auburn, a woman called police and wanted to press charges against an 11-year-old boy who was stealing cigarette butts out of her ashtray. Turns out the butt thief was actually a 40-year-old man. They’re not lying when they say that habit will stunt your growth.

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