Whitehouse

Class A

Bangor 20, Windham 16

Look, I’ll be honest, I haven’t seen either of these teams play. So I’m basing this mostly on what I think of both towns. Bangor is an underrated city. Nice, clean streets. Nice neighborhoods. Nice restaurants. Nice parks. Fairly nice people. Decent traffic. The only thing I’d change about Bangor is the Auditorium, which I would change with a wrecking ball. 

My family moved to Windham when I was in the second grade. We hated it. And this was before it started to look like it belonged in New Jersey. The people were mean. The traffic stunk even then. The drive-in theater was dirty. The gym floor at the junior high was rubber. We moved out after one year. Now, it’s been 30 years since then, so it could have changed completely in the interim (although it still looks like New Jersey). I have a good friend who is a school administrator there. And coach Matt Perkins deserves a ton of credit for building the football program up to a regional champion. But the Rams have the pedigree. They’ve been in state championship games at Fitzy before. Plus, they have Lonnie Hackett.

Class B

Leavitt 28, Cape Elizabeth 16

Both teams claim the pressure is off after winning their respective regional titles, but I think the pressure is still on the Capers. You see, football at Cape is a funny thing. The locals love it because it’s been successful and it’s the fastest-growing sport in the state, but they haven’t really embraced football. Just check out the crowds. They’ll turn out for a Mountain Valley game, but for a Poland-Cape game, it’s like everybody’s gone to close up their cottages. Leavitt draws a good crowd for Nokomis. You would think that the team that is under more scrutiny is also under more pressure, but when the Hornets go back to Turner, football will still be king, win or lose.

Both teams are loaded with explosive players, so this game comes down to the trenches. The Hornets’ defensive front has been dominant all year. If they can shut down Tom Foden and get pressure on Ezra Wolfinger, they’ll keep the Capers’ big plays to a minimum. Then they’ll wear down Cape’s defense with a steady diet of Josh Strickland, or, if the Capers load up the box against him, a quick passing game. Add in the fact that the Capers came out of the Mountain Valley game pretty banged up, and I think you’ve got the closest thing we’ll get to a blowout Saturday.

Class C

Foxcroft Academy 30, Dirigo 28

I really don’t know if Foxcroft will win. I just know that Dirigo loves it when I pick them to lose. So I’ll throw them one last bone. I just can’t wait to see Spencer Ross break the land speed record on the Fitzy turf.

Oakes

Class A

Windham 26, Bangor 21

The worst part of Bangor losing this game, as it has twice this decade, is that none of us can use it as evidence that we desperately need a four-class system in Maine high school football. Because we do. And because the Rams suit up 105 kids for every game. Now, I know Bangor (2001) demonstrated that the Pine Tree Conference can win a Class A championship. So did Lawrence (2006). But that’s it: Two teams in 22 years. That’s .091, or roughly David Ortiz’s average with runners in scoring position the last two years. Or the chances of me fully recovering from a probable case of swine flu before Saturday. (Fine, don’t shake my hand. See if I care.)

Lonnie Hackett will singlehandedly (doublecleatedly?) keep Bangor in this game. But with a pair of one-point wins over drastically superior competition the last two Saturdays, Windham is equipped to win its first state title in any sport other than golf, softball or cheerleading.

Class B

Leavitt 24, Cape Elizabeth 14

Wine and cheese meets chicken poop and apple trees. Broadway meets Upper Street. MIT meets USM. Sorry, I really don’t believe any of those tired stereotypes. But I know how much some of Cape’s elite are fascinated by the socioeconomic contrast between themselves and us plebeians. Thought I’d help feed the monster one more time.

Not that any of it means squat on the football field, where both teams breezed through the autumn with one near-hiccup. Leavitt’s wakeup call arrived early. Cape’s close encounter came a week ago. The Hornets have the edge in this contest where they’ve demonstrated it all season: Up front. Josh Strickland might be unstoppable running through those giant caverns on turf. Defensively, Leavitt will contain Tom Foden and pressure Ezra Wolfinger to throw … against the best secondary he’s seen all season.

Class C

Dirigo 31, Foxcroft 13

“What does Randy Whitehouse have against us? Why does he hate Dirigo? Did he really mean it when he said that Yarmouth would shred our defense like a Bill Clinton love note?” Or something like that.

Look, my man Big Red has been misunderstood by you fine folks in the communities SAD 21. It’s like this: He’s seen me make a career out of being the bad guy. He recognized that it gets me all the chicks. So I’ve happily agreed to play Good Cop for a few weeks while he finds out what a thrill it is to be The Big Kalboski. Well, that and Dirigo is too experienced, too quick, too united, too talented and too focused. And I enjoy being right.