The horror
From the autumn ATV files, I give you the Man Who Squats. I rode upon him while riding the trails along Route 26 in South Paris. He had parked his truck in the center of the trail and there he was, squatting next to the open door and taking care of business. Toilet paper was strewn everywhere and I swear the birds had stopped chirping. I haven’t studied the traditions of riding in Oxford County and I sincerely hope this guy doesn’t represent the norm. I’ve got great knobby tires on the Suzuki but I’m not ready for that kind of terrain. Disgusting.

But not quite as disgusting . . .
As Bill Belichick’s decision to “go for it” when easy, game-locking points were to be had. I haven’t heard this much screaming among sports fans since the Joe Theismann thing.

It wasn’t enough to ruin my week . . .
Because on Tuesday, Zack Grienke was named the American League Cy Young Award winner. And don’t give me that “Who’s Zack Grienke” business. He’s a pitcher for the Kansas City Yes-They-Have-A-Team Royals and he’s awesome.

And it paled in comparison . . .
To the news that a pair of volunteer firemen were charged with arson in two separate fires over two days. But don’t be alarmed. A solid 99.9 percent of firefighters are heroic men and women who will bail your butt out of peril if your house is burning, you are trapped inside an overturned car or you have been tossed into the river by a moose disgusted with that nasty thing you did in the woods along Route 26.

One thing you never see on the trails . . .
Is kids smoking pipes. Not even that time I went out after taking a double dose of Nyquil have I seen anything like that. Yet the anti-smoking groups are screaming with their pink lungs that pipe tobacco producers are trying to lure children to the habit. Ridiculous notion. Nobody is allowed to smoke a pipe unless he has attained the age of 45 and has ample things to pontificate about. Kids who smoke pipes blow bubble out of them. Everyone knows that pipe tobacco will give you a stomach ache and the next thing you know, you’re making a mess out of my trails.
See how I stay right on topic? 

And speaking of Christmas . . .
Thanks to those of you who put up your decorations the day after Halloween. But then, you never took them down after the last Yule season, did you?

I’m sorry . . .
That was a crappy thing to say. And that concludes this hyperactive bowel edition of Talk of the Town.

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