So, it’s the day before Thanksgiving and aren’t you in great spirits? Tomorrow, you’ll sit down with the people you love the most around a table heaped with food. It will be so special, Norman Rockwell might just rise from his grave to sketch you.

And then Uncle Rod will start picking at his teeth with a dirty thumbnail. Aunt Ruth will make those awful food-smacking sounds and there’s the matter of born-again cousin Bobby who squeezes your hand way too hard during grace. Not to mention your god-awful sister-in-law who can’t utter a single sentence around the holiday without including a happy “gobble, gobble!” as though she actually speaks the language of the game bird.

It’s OK to be annoyed, my friend. Because in this season of giving, trying to be festive and optimistic around the clock can actually cause internal damage. I know a guy who started doling out the seasons greetings too soon one year and actually blew out his spleen two weeks before Christmas. Seriously, it went everywhere.

If your HMO would let you talk to your family doctor (isn’t it annoying how even a hack columnist like myself will try to slip current news into an otherwise pointless narrative?) he would tell you that blowing off stress is healthy. It’s essential that you fit ample amounts of mindless bitching between all that gratitude and germ-spreading mistletoe action.

And to help you along, because I’m like your mother or something, I polled random people (random polling is still legal in this state) to find out what annoys them the most. The list is below and you should feel free to pluck from it whenever you need to spout off about something. For the record, my No. 1 irritation as of late is those lazy oafs who park in front of the doors at a grocery store because walking 15 feet from a parking space is beneath them. But you didn’t ask for my feelings, so never mind.

G said: Habitual nail clippers at the office. Nothing better than listening to snap, snap, snap first thing in the morning.

MRW said: People wearing pajamas in public.

RG said: Men who wear sweatpants out to eat and they don’t look like they just worked out or ever for that matter.

NTJ said: Gum-chewing cashiers.

NTJ also said: Grown people who say buh-in instead of button, Clih-in rather than Clinton. You get the idea.

NTJ further said: People who smoke at the entrances to stores!

JL said: Tailgaters, gum snappers, lip smackers, small talk, pants that don’t fit but you KNOW they fit last week! The sound of chip bags rustling …

JG said: Blowing your nose at the dinner table. It’s so awesome it just makes me want to continue my fantastic dining experience.

LP said: Dumbass drive-through attendants who say in nasally baby talk “Have a nice day!” What’s so hard about saying thank you?

GR said: Weird news guys posting random statements. Just saying.

SH said: Drive-through or retail clerks who don’t realize that they’re getting paid to serve while on the clock, not to text their friends 24/7.

LP said: Stupid chicks who make air-kiss pucker faces in photos because they think it makes them look hot.

CM said: People who ask me if they’re implants. They’re real, baby!

MK said: Red lights. Why can’t they always be green?

MK also said: People who believe in a hierarchy of people — like some people are better than others just because they have more education or money or particular religious beliefs. People who think that health care is a business and a privilege of the rich rather than a basic human right like education. No spoons in the kitchen at work and I’ve got a yogurt. Bitter coffee. Overcooked pecan pie so it is hard instead of gooey.

CD said: When you go to the grocery store for one thing and it’s out of stock. What, did the boat with the beef bouillon not pull into port that day?

PW said: People who take up two parking spaces.

TT said: Farmers who raise you your whole life and then sneak up behind you to bash you over the head and stuff you in an oven.

LM said: Folks who don’t have control of their kids when shopping! People who talk on cells phones while voiding in public restrooms!

ML said: People who use terms like “voiding,” which is somehow a more disgusting term than other, more descriptive ones.

Which is a nice place to stop before we stumble across the line of good taste.

And there you have it, a heaping helping of annoyances to help aid in the digestion of turkey and that horrible fruit cake. Seriously, why do people give you fruit cake and then ask, sometimes years later, if you enjoyed it? Was something wrong with the fruit cake and they can’t believe you’re still alive? Annoying. It’s just annoying.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody! Gobble, gobble!

Mark LaFlamme is a Sun Journal staff writer. You can annoy him online at [email protected].