Well, that just figures. Here it is nearly Christmas and I’ve got to spend all my time fixing the kitchen counter. It’s all busted up and bowed in the middle because I was a fool and flung Thursday’s paper onto it. I believe it might have cracked the floorboards, too.

Seriously, did you catch the weight of that thing? Everybody who has something to sell had a flier inserted in the morning paper. Kids with lemonade stands were advertising their location and blowout prices. Hookers with hearts of gold issued sheets of coupons that can be redeemed any time before the end of the year. Laverdiere’s Super Drug Store had a flier in there and they’ve been closed for two decades.

Don’t tell me the foundering economy has left people shy about shopping. I went to Walmart the other day to pick up a … oh, I don’t know. A feather boa and body glitter. And it was like Mardi Gras in there.

Mardi Gras if it were held in Jerry Springer’s backyard.

Cops on horseback were prowling the store and trying to keep the mobs from running wild. Camera crews were on hand to film brawls and various other things that happen routinely at Mardi Gras. Hippies were getting freaked out because they thought it was Woodstock all over again.

I’m telling you: I saw things.

What I haven’t seen yet is the out-and-out dog fights over one particular item. No denture-flying, sweatpants-ripping fisticuffs over a bald doll with what looks like bad swelling or a furry red pervert who likes to be tickled. No knees to the groin over PlayStation 12. No eye-gouging over a doll so realistic, you have to pay $100,000 to put her through college only to see her show up in a “Girls Gone Wild” video.

Because of this seeming lack of obsession, I spent part of my day researching (Google search: three seconds) the hottest toys of 2009. What a disappointment. Hot? If a poor man isn’t willing to sell one of his children in order to buy a particular toy for another, it’s not hot.

Here’s what I found.

Wii Sports Resort for Nintendo. Oh joy. Back in our day (Aug. 12, 1983) we actually went to sports resorts in the real world. And not to partake in any athletic activity, either. Who wants to work up that kind of sweat when you’re really there because your friend Norman sneaked a six-pack of beer in his dad’s trunk and there are cheerleaders everywhere?

Barbie Doll’d up Nails B-Nails Digital Printer. I don’t even know what that is, so don’t get it for me.

Little Tikes 3-in-1 Smart Trike. Exactly like the Big Wheel we all enjoyed only pimped out and five times more expensive.

Zhu Zhu Pet Hamster. At $10, roughly 10 times the cost of a real hamster, but it won’t poo. Probably won’t poo. I didn’t read that far.

Fast Lane JLX Overdrive Radio Control All Terrain Vehicle. OK, that one just sounds cool. We had Hot Wheels. Weeee! If you push them along the flimsy, orange track, it’s just like pushing a real car along a flimsy, orange track!

Sharp Stick that Sort of Looks Like a Sword. No, I just made that one up because it was my favorite as a kid.

Tickle Me Elmo The Original! Now that they’ve gone through 30 versions of Elmo, including Talk-Your-Way-Out-of-Getting-Arrested Elmo, they’re back to the original. And the original, in my shuddering opinion, is something that should terrify children but somehow doesn’t.

So if we follow this trend, maybe all of the once-great toys will someday make a comeback.

Imagine it! Your kids asking — nay, begging! — for something so simple and nostalgic as a Slinky, Lite-Brite or Connect Four under the Christmas tree. Wouldn’t that be easy? You have at least six of each in your garage!

But they probably won’t. Which is why it’s Mardi Gras at Walmart, where everyone is pushing and shoving to get lame things like toasters, DVD players and stuff that pertains to the smash hit “Twilight,” along with its sequel, “We Can’t Believe the First One Was So Successful. I Mean, Come On! Teen Vampires?”

Ask your friendly Walmart clerk for help locating these items. Me, I’m only here for the free bead action.

Mark LaFlamme is a Sun Journal staff writer. For details on his Tonka truck collection, e-mail [email protected].