A last-minute
guide to what
not to get her

OK, guys, it’s Christmas Eve. You’re down to the wire, the pressure is on. You have exactly one day (and an incomplete day at that) of shopping left to find your wife or girlfriend the perfect Christmas present.

The Chicago Tribune recently did a story on what not to get the special person in your life. Here’s our list, adapted for Maine and gathered from our staff, of what NOT to buy your best girl this year:

• Anything smoked — cheese, fish, reptile or exotic wild game, especially if it’s from a hunting catalogue.

• A mug with a stupid expression like, “Just pull up your big girl panties and deal with it.” Yes, it’s out there.

• Any “incredible” makeup kit — like 250 shades of eye shadow, especially if it’s from a dollar store.

• No live boas. Snake season in Kennedy Park is six months away and live mice are expensive.

• Any really skimpy bikini, unless she’s under 25 or she wore one on your last vacation.

• Anything with a camouflage design — blankets, pajamas or undergarments. (See note about hunting catalogues.)

• Anything with a “Clearance” sticker on the bottom. That they’re giving them away means nobody wants them. Use your head!

• Anything from the Maine Turnpike gift shop.

• Anything useful like a cheese grater or water filter. She may want it, even need it, but not on Christmas morning.

• Anything really “cool,” like a Blu-ray disc player or 50-inch TV. That’s a gift for you, buddy, not her, and you know it.

• Do not buy two of anything — like a hat-glove combo — and expect it to work for your wife and your mother.

• Anything that she will see the next day at the checkout counter at the Irving station.

• Any personal maintenance items, like a Water Pik or those sticky nose strips to keep her from snoring.

• Anything that says, “you really need to lose weight,” like an “Ab Blaster.”

• Any big-ticket item that will ultimately end up on the credit card statement she has just spent the past 11 months paying down. You’ll go from hero to heel in about zero seconds flat.

• Allen’s Coffee Flavored Brandy, in any of the myriad containers. That’s just a brown bottle full of bad memories waiting to happen.

But what if you already bought one of these items? D’oh! Take it back.

So what’s left to buy? That’s the problem … and the challenge. Get out there, mix it up, put on your best Santa face and just buy something. Remember — no guy ever went wrong with cashmere … unless she’s allergic.

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