There’s a scene in the film “Meet the Parents” in which one of the characters, who has brought her boyfriend home to introduce him to her family, asks the poor chump how things are going.

“Oh, great,” he tells her, “considering I desecrated your grandma’s remains, found out you were engaged and had your father ask me to milk him.”

Most first-time meetings with a significant other’s family aren’t nearly that much fun. What they often are is awkward and intimidating.

But these first meetings need not be painful. It just takes a little planning. The payoff is worth it.

“In most cases in my experience, families are pretty welcoming,” says psychologist Dale Atkins, author of “Sanity Savers: Tips for Women to Live a Balanced

Family members might yell when they want to make a point, or they may have a messy house, behaviors you’re not used to. Atkins says not to judge them or be critical. Remember: These people raised the person you love.
With that as a starting point, here are some other things to consider before that first visit.

Do your homework
When Serena Thomas was going to meet the family of boyfriend Dustin French, she asked him what to expect.

“He told me they were very friendly,” says the 25-year-old publicist from St. Louis. “He mentioned that he had a lot of aunts and they’d all be very chatty and wanting to get to know the new person.”

Not much to go on, but enough to get things off on the right foot. (“And an aunt bought me a beer, so that was good.”)
Any information you can glean beforehand helps.

“Find out as much as you can about the family,” Atkins advises. “Find out where they’re from, what they’re interested in. … Just try to get facts, get information, so you have a basis on which to have a conversation.”

Know what topics are safe and what aren’t. When French was going to meet Thomas’ family, for example, she suggested French rein in his sense of humor, which comes across as serious and escapes many people.

“And I was told not to use any swear words,” he adds.

Atkins says that it’s probably best to avoid lightning-rod topics around the dinner table. But, depending on the personalities involved, controversial subjects can be broached, resulting in a positive experience for both sides.

“You may be able to have some very interesting conversations, and it may be spirited,” she says. “But it always has to be respectful.”

And know ahead of time what is expected of you. Are you supposed to hang out with the relatives nonstop? Or will it be possible to slip away for some personal time – catching up on a little work, going for a walk, grabbing a nap, working out? A break lets you regroup and will do everyone good. (It’s also an opportunity for you and your intended to gauge how things are going.)

Fitting in
Kristy Archuleta, an assistant professor at the Kansas State University School of Family Studies and Human Services, says the most important thing is to be yourself, and treat the meeting like a job interview.

“You need to be on your best behavior, use your best manners, show respect,” she says. “But part of a good job interview is being yourself.”

So, don’t say things just because you think that’s what people want to hear.

“You don’t want to pretend to be somebody that you’re not,” she says. “If you do end up making this person a lifetime partner, then you don’t want to be stuck with those things you said or did to fit in. If you’re a solid Republican and they’re Democrats and you said and did things to fit in politically, then you’re stuck being that way the rest of your life.”

A newcomer should be as kind and empathetic as possible.

“You’d like the people to like you, and you want to try to find something about them that you like,” Atkins says.

A little buttering up won’t hurt, but be sincere. Draw a connection between a mother’s good decorating taste and her child’s sense of style. Tell dad that his son has his smile. Also, parents note how you treat their kid.

“I find that (if) people are enamored of someone’s children, and they compliment that person in front of their parents, it’s really nice,” Atkins says. “I think parents like to know that the people their children are with appreciate their children.”

Sidestep land mines
Don’t get sucked into family disputes. If mom and dad are squaring off and you get put on the spot with “Well, what do you think?” be diplomatic. Explain that you don’t have enough information to take a side, or say you’d rather not get involved.
And discuss with your beloved which topics you’re comfortable with and to what extent. Get your script straight and know how far to go. When Uncle Ernie starts asking about you setting a wedding date, give him an agreed-upon response.

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