When I was waiting in line at the checkout counter at the grocery store I perused the magazines on the end-cap just to pass the time. I think a lot of us do that and I’m always amused at some of the cover stories that boast a miracle diet for rapid weight loss along with a picture of a high-calorie dessert with the promise of the great recipe inside.

One particular magazine caught my eye because just about everything listed on the cover could change my life. The feature articles touted were “Happier in 60 seconds, 34% more energy, 28 pounds slimmer and 20 years younger looking, $700 richer, happy marriage, beauty steals and natural herbal thyroid cures.

I’m a reasonably happy person, but what the heck, if I could be happier in 60 seconds then why not give it a try. I definitely could use 34 percent more energy not to mention that the headline promised that it would add 10 years to my life.

I certainly couldn’t resist finding out how to drop 28 pounds and look 20 years younger. After all, if I’m going to add an extra 20 years to my happier and more energetic life I might just as well look slimmer and younger.

Being $700 richer is quite appealing and I thought since I’ll live longer, have more energy, be happier and a little richer, being a little more beautiful wouldn’t hurt either.

I’m not aware that there is anything wrong with my thyroid, but it never hurts to be prepared if it should ever be an issue. I had my doubts about the happy marriage article, but I was willing to give it a read.

So, I paid the $1.79 for the magazine and hurried home. The miracles I was anticipating, unfortunately fell a little short of my expectations. The tips to be happier in 60 seconds included smelling an unused tea bag for 10 seconds. Lemon, peppermint or jasmine were the recommended aromas.

I had a lemon tea bag and all the sniffing of it did was make me sneeze and crave lemon meringue pie.

Another tip was to instant message or text a good friend. Supposedly it would ramp up my body’s production of dopamine and serotonin and make me feel so good. Well, I don’t know how to instant message or text so I sent an e-mail to a good friend and my computer crashed. That just made me want to pull my hair out.

To increase my energy level the magazine told me to clean my counters. Can you believe that? As the story goes, clearing away the clutter will instantly make me feel better about myself and increase my energy by 34 percent.

According to some study, organized people who keep everything in its place live up to 10 years longer than clutter-bound people. So much for the extra 10 years I was counting on.

I discovered the great miracle diet that would shed the 28 pounds and make me look 20 years younger consisted of foods I don’t like. To become $700 richer the magazine told me to squeeze my toilet paper rolls so no one would use too much on the average bathroom trip.

At this point I gave up on being happier, more energetic, slimmer and richer. None of the helpful hints were gong to work for me.

However, the way I see it the $1.79 wasn’t a total waste because the peaches and cream shortcake was pretty gosh darn tasty.