You kiss your mother with that mouth?

In Lewiston, police were sent to a ruckus downtown, where a group of people were reported hollering and swearing. Not to worry. It wasn’t a Springer-style melee, it was a pair of teenagers playing video games, and not very well by the sound of it.

Mowed down

Somewhere in the Twin Cities, a man reported that while he was taking a break from his lawn chores, thieves made off with his riding mower. And that, my friends, is what is known as a “yoink!”

More yoink action

For two summers now, I’ve been ranting about a rusted old car out in the woods behind Tall Pines. I don’t know how it got there, but the heap of metal has been right there ever since I started riding the trails. And then, sometime over the weekend, the car disappeared. Given its location, I can only surmise that it was sucked into a spaceship hovering quietly over Lewiston. Which is just ironic: If the beings aboard the mothership were out looting, they should have noticed that Marden’s was just a few blocks over.

Yahooooo-ahoooo

So, how many of you are boycotting Google these days to protest their dismissal of the concept of net neutrality? Doing all of your searches on Alta Vista? Going back to hard-copy maps? Giving up Gmail, YouTube, Adwords, Chrome, Desktop, Picasa, Google Docs, Blogger and your feedreader? Good for you. We’ll show those sanctimonious bastards by dumbing down our entire society. Think of all the time you’ll save by not looking up information on meaningless questions.

“How are you doing today?”

“I don’t know!”

Moon over Lewiston

On Tuesday, an older woman called police to report that a group of kids repeatedly mooned her while she was trying to go about her day. Turns out they weren’t mooning at all. They were just ugly.

I had a dream!

I really did. I dreamed about this feature of the B section. I dreamed that Talk of the Town had been taken over by you people. The space was being used to hash out family disputes, break up with girlfriends, tell off bosses and all of that happy stuff normally reserved for the Wal-Mart parking lot. And you know? It was great. This column has never been so entertaining. So if you have a hankering to finally dump your loser boyfriend in a public way, by all means send me the information. If it goes well, I’ll provide chairs to hurl.

If it’s late August…

I can count on an estimated 6,000 of you sending along photos of balloons shot from backyards. And I’d like to say to each of you: Thanks. Your balloon photo didn’t look at all like every other balloon photo out there. It was absolutely unique. So unique that I think it’s safe for you all to stop sending me balloon photos altogether. It’s been done to perfection. So you can stop. Please? Won’t you just stop?

 Will graffiti for food

Bank of America on Sabattus Street was reportedly tagged by two skinny males wearing hoodies. Try skipping the vandalism, boys, and have a sandwich now and then. But as it turns out, it was a bad suspect description altogether. Those weren’t skinny kids in hoodies, they were wind socks.


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