Not to brag, but Bag Lady’s never had eyelash insecurity.

If I’m to believe the increasingly voluminous ads, that lands me in the minority of American dames.

But that’s a hearty if.

Seems to me that marketers, having taken this there’s-a-serum-for-everything approach as far as it can go, are merely inventing parts to angst over. (Next: Your uvula, hot or not?)

Lengthen, thicken, lushen? Puh-lease. Do you have little bits of fringe around either pupil? Fantastic. You’re all set.

In addition to raising my hackles, if not my lash count, the ads have gotten me thinking about my current loathes (commercials that overtly prey on self-esteem) and loves (plush severed heads).

And Bag Lady has never been one to keep mum about such things.

Loving: People who leave product reviews online

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

In just the last month, Bag Lady has twice been saved from what might have been poor purchases by clicking on the product review and reading something less than flattering from fellow consumers. Both times happened to be on Kudos, too, to any retailer who would leave up that negative chatter. It encourages me to order something else from you. A something else with three- or four-star raves, naturally.

Loathing: Dogs who don’t listen

You know who you are.

Loving: Retailers’ websites that don’t require an e-mail address in exchange for a coupon

Makes for a quick, clean transaction vs. the alternative. I don’t want to receive your weekly flyer, and I don’t want to worry about being sold or info-mined, but I do really want to save a buck on dish detergent. If I have to share something about myself, you’ve lost me.

Loathing: Buy-two-save-$1 coupons

I won’t take out a small loan to buy two super sleek shampoos or even two jars of mayonnaise (the coup that galled me over the weekend) simply to save 100 pennies. That’s budget-busting, frankly. Yet I’ll happily purchase one for 50 cents off. Could we leave it at that?

Loving: Etsy . . . like, a lot.

There’s a woman on this art-for-all website whose specialty is selling handmade plush severed Sasquatch heads and they’re awesome. The heads are a bit googly and the necks are capped with red cloth to mimic the severing part. Amazing times we live in that something like this can even exist.

A quick peek around Etsy shows too many Maine-made wares to mention. Just a taste:

— Chocolate-Covered Maine Potato Candy, half-pound, gwensgourmet, $6

Take coconut and sweet chocolate ganache, add Caribou potatoes and a Limestone bakeress. Mmm.

— Dead Halloween Cat ornament, indigotwin, $13

Infinite team-up possibilities exist between this seller and the Sasquatch sewer. Indigotwin also offers cute clay Blue Birds Wedding Cake Toppers ($43/pair) for more whimsy, less death.

— Green Mary Jane Booties, Reinedumonde, $7

Hand-knit, little heart button clasp. A-dorable. Feel . . . reservations . . . about . . . children . . . melting . . .

— Cucumber yogurt soap, RockyTopSoapShop, $6

Made from the seller’s own garden cukes. Industrious.

— Itsy Bitsy Acorns, set of 6, laika6000, $6.50

Real acorn caps attached to crocheted wool faux-acorn balls. Bag Lady is a fiend these days for any creature or object crocheted. Try to sell me a tube of lash-lengthener and I’ll pitch a fit, but offer a crocheted heifer wearing a party hat and I’m yours.

Fickle dame.

Bag Lady’s true identity is protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who want to order that Halloween ornament) and the Customer Service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach her at [email protected]

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