DEAR ABBY: I have been married to “Emile” for eight years. We have been together for the last 15. Emile has always been demeaning and sarcastic to me. When he gets upset about something he blames me.

This has been going on for so long I don’t know what to do anymore. I am so depressed and hurt that all I can think of is “going away” permanently. I don’t think I’d ever harm myself, but I feel more desperate and hopeless every day. I’m down so low I don’t know how to come back up. Please advise. — NO TEARS LEFT IN LAS VEGAS

DEAR NO TEARS LEFT: Has no one told you that the effects of constant put-downs can be equally — if not more — debilitating than being physically abused? After 15 years of having your self-esteem chipped away, I’m pleased that you finally found the strength to ask for help.

If you have family, arrange to visit them — a LONG visit. If you can afford to separate from your husband, pick up the phone and call the National Domestic Violence Hotline ((800) 799-7233) and ask for help to safely get away. I’m not exaggerating when I say your mental health depends on it.

DEAR ABBY: I live in a suburban neighborhood where the homes are very close together. My back yard is too small to have a clothesline. Because I love the smell of my bed sheets after they have dried outside, I hang them out to dry by pinning them to the chain link fence that surrounds the perimeter of my back yard.

My girlfriends say they would be offended if they were my neighbors. I say it’s environmentally friendly, and because I’m hanging out only linens and not underwear, nobody should be offended. Who is correct? — IN THE BREEZE IN OTTAWA, ONTARIO, CANADA

DEAR IN THE BREEZE: Many neighborhoods have codes, covenants and restrictions that dictate what can and cannot be done within their boundaries. Review the documents to ensure you are not breaking any rules. If you’re not, you have had no complaints from the neighbors, and your laundry isn’t becoming soiled from flapping against the chain link fence or freezing solid in January — it’s all right with me.

DEAR ABBY: A few months ago, we got a new neighbor. When I was out walking my dog one day, my neighbor was doing the same. At first I thought this person was female, but as we got to talking I began to doubt myself.

First off, my neighbor is petite, has a boyish haircut, no breasts, dresses like a guy and speaks in a voice that could be male or female. I stood there and decided I’d ask for a name, thinking it would solve my problem. Wrong! The person’s name is “Chris.”

Abby, I don’t know what to do. I feel bad for not knowing this person’s gender. Is there any way I can find an answer without Chris knowing? I don’t want to refer to this person as a “he” if she’s a “she,” and vice versa. — GIRL NEXT DOOR, MISSOULA, MONT.

DEAR GIRL NEXT DOOR: Refer to your neighbor as Chris. Asking other neighbors what they have learned about Chris could create more conversation — and problems — than it would solve. My advice is to continue being kind and neighborly to Chris. The more you get to know this person, the more likely the answers you’re seeking will present themselves.

TO MY JEWISH READERS: Sundown marks the beginning of Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement. During this 24-hour period, observant Jewish people fast, engage in reflection and prayer, and formally repent for any sin that might have been committed during the previous Hebrew year. To all of you — may your fast be an easy one.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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