Rhodes scholar

An inquisitive reader sent in the following question.

“I was driving through Sabattus over the weekend and I saw a small sign. It stood out amongst all the political signs. It simply said “Frost Heaves.” My question for you, is Mr. Heaves a Republican, Democrat or Independent? Are you familiar with Mr. Heaves?”

It turns out the left-leaning Heaves is a perennial candidate whose chief opposition is the esteemed Phil Wanted.

The ultimate man cave

The world watched and wept as the Chilean miners were pulled, one-by-one, out of the mine that imprisoned them for months. When they reached the light of day, the survivors embraced loved ones and smiled for the cameras. Which was a clear indication that this wasn’t happening in the United States. In the U.S., the miners would have been filing lawsuits against the company, the media and each other before they reached the top.

The confusion is mine

The rescue was timed in such a fashion that for a solid week, I thought Conan O’Brien had been trapped down there all summer, too.

The horror

Sixty nine days trapped below ground. Seriously, can you imagine spending that span of time with no access to Facebook? If you agree, click “like.”

He’s in deep

And what about that miner with two honeys, huh? A wife and a mistress? Nice going, genius. Everybody knows that among the rules of cheating are:

A. always remember your lies

B. never use e-mail

C. don’t do anything that will attract CNN

Doh!

It’s also not wise to let on in a public forum that you know the rules of cheating. Now I’ve got to go buy flowers.

Curve balls don’t really curve?

Apostasy! The authors of this drivel clearly never had to face Alton Blaisdell, who pitched for Alfonds at Peter’s Field in Waterville in the 1970s. His curve ball moved so much, they had to put three kids behind the plate to try and catch them, and even then, they couldn’t always be corralled. Legend has it that some of the Blaisdell breaking balls haven’t yet come to rest. They’re still out there dropping and dipping and twisting and spinning around Peter’s Field. They wanted to put a Home Depot in there but couldn’t do it because no one could get anywhere near the balls to remove them. Science? Try blasphemy!

Forger seeks early release

And if he gets it, you want to take a real close look at the documents before you send him out the door.

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