Jager

In Auburn, a thief was spotted fleeing Hannaford with two bottles of purloined Jagermeister. Tip to cops: just follow the trail of throw up. Jager is horrible stuff, that smells of Listerine and black licorice. It makes people clinically insane. Your suspect will likely be naked and trying to fly. Also, because he drinks the equivalent of tobacco juice, he’ll think he’s very street. Look for the two finger salute and a baseball cap turned sideways. Or just save yourself the investigative hassle and scan Facebook. Your culprit will have posted photos of himself vomiting hopelessly into a urinal trough. Jager drinkers are stupid.

My cup runneth over

This very day, there is a bra fitting event at Fashion Bug in Lewiston. Remember how last week I said I want to work as a grocery bagger, bottle redemption guy, or oil change technician? I’ve gotten over it. Today, I want to be a clothing store clerk. I’m a man of many moods.

Maine disputes Forbes report

You can’t argue with Forbes. Everything they report is absolute truth, with no room for doubt or skepticism. It’s a lot like the Penthouse Forum that way.

The name game

Note from a reader: “Matt LaFlamme: On Sunday, 10/10/10, you asked where the Flag Guy is. I assure that he is alive and well. I spoke to him a few days ago and he will be replacing three of the flags that are torn or faded.

“Also, while I have your attention, I wonder if anyone has seen the man with a bandanna that used to pick up returnables in L/A. I have not seen him all summer and no one else that I have asked has seen him either.”

I know the wanderer you speak of. He’s the fellow I have dubbed “The Magic Man” and I have not seen him in months. Don’t worry, though. If anyone can find him it’s that Matt LaFlamme. Smart fellow, Matt. Handsome, too.

The horror

For two straight nights last week, I mingled with the elite. The movers and the shakers. The men and women whose names are painted on the campaign signs we all enjoy so much. One fine representative suggested that I might be rising up the journalistic ladder. It’s a nice thought. But the fact is, I’m just trying to decide which of them to go as for Halloween.

And speaking of politics…

Things are so hot and tense right now, I have to take a vacation just so I can spend more time mulling the issues. Oh, there’s Halloween, too, but that’s pure coincidence. See you on the other side, suckers!

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