I’ll be honest. When I first stepped into the hallowed halls of Cavalier Bingo, I was hoping like hell that I wouldn’t win a single game.

Too dangerous, the idea. I was a rookie, a rube. I didn’t know how to select cards for the game, let alone play it. In my mind – the part of it that insists on playing nightmare scenarios – I saw myself crying out “Bingo!” only to learn that I was mistaken. Maybe I misheard a number or was playing a straight game when I should have been playing for the Fly Swatter.

I’ve heard the tales: Some whippersnapper succumbs to premature bingo and the next thing you know, he’s out back getting beaten unmercifully by a blue-haired group using troll dolls and ceramic clovers like brass knuckles. Jumping the gun will get you bruised, my friends, and I wanted nothing to do with it.

Then the first game got under way and I was cruising. The numbers were good to me and my dauber was flying. I was two numbers away from straight bingo and suddenly, I was no longer afraid of the grizzled players around me. Forty bucks is forty bucks and I wanted that prize.

Another hot number came in. I squinted at my cards and brought the dauber down. A teal circle appeared on one of my cards, nearly completing a row. Worried? Get bent, my friend. I’d punt someone’s troll doll clear across the room if it meant the next number called was N-41. Show me the money, number caller. Daddy needs a new motorcycle tire.

All around the hall, you can watch the caller plucking numbered balls out of the bin. It’s an up-close view – you can see the hairs on the caller’s knuckles and the ball looks globe-sized. The caller brings it up into view but all you see at first is the blank side. You wait excruciating seconds for him to spin the ball and reveal the number. The first syllable of “bingo” is already on your lips, eager to roar to completion.

“B-17.”

“Bingo!”

Son of a!

My first important observation was this: It is damn hard not to swear when you’re one number away from the prize and someone else calls bingo. You know how people sit together and chat and laugh at the bingo hall? They pretend they’re friends, but they are not. The nature of the game requires that you despise everyone around you. Every body in every chair further dilutes your chances of winning. How can you be friends with a wretched creature who would do that to you?

But those feelings of hostility are fleeting because there is not much time to indulge in them. One game turns into another very quickly. I missed regular bingo, but now I had a chance to win on the same card by achieving a six pack formation. Hell, I was already two thirds there. Why, if the kindly caller would just pluck I-22 and G-48 out of his bin, I’d be $70 richer and free to . . .

“Bingo!”

Damn you!

Bingo is all about tension, rising, rising, rising and then falling off a cliff.

Yet two games in, and I was having a blast. You’d have a hard time hauling me out of that chair. The prizes ranged from $40 to 200 clams, and did I mention I’m in desperate need of a motorcycle tire?

None of this would have been possible for me without Sylvia, my guide. A veteran of the bingo halls, she is one of the people who roams between the tables, checking numbers after bingo is called. She spent half her night giving me helpful tips: “We’re playing the blue cards now.” “Diagonal counts as a row.” “If you don’t stop sniffing your dauber ink, you’re going to lose the ability to pronounce vowels.” Et al.

Because going in, I knew none of it. Years ago, I worked bingo at the Waterville Armory. I set up tables, wheeled a cart filled with sandwiches and soda up and down the rows, and fended off octogenarian advances.

No, really. The ladies were always pinching my butt and I was always fleeing through clouds of cigarette smoke, so I never adequately learned the game. Yet, with the whiff of fast money in the nostrils, a person picks it up fairly quickly.

I was playing 12 cards at once, the very minimum you can play. Most around me were playing four or five times that, casting into doubt all those stories about declining mental acumen among the age advanced. Some of these people were twice my age, yet they could scan 60 cards, mark their numbers and still have time to chat with friends, glower at newcomers or stroke their lucky charms in between.

Me, I brought along a copy of my new book “Box of Lies” for luck. One of the many fine stories in there is about bingo, you see, so I considered it of high talismanic value. My only concern was that others would laugh at me for entertaining such an idea. Ha ha ha! Look at the newbie with his little book!

Then I saw the woman with what looked like a string of garlic. I saw the troll dolls, the rabbits feet and what appeared to be a frog on Viagra. These are charms, carried from hall to hall, touched at precise intervals, considered sacred. I once knew a lady who carried her dead husband’s dentures to the games and another that went nowhere without her grandson’s severed umbilical cord. You can never have too many body parts to inspire fortune, because brother, the odds aren’t good – by some estimations, the odds are worse than any casino game.

And yet, somebody wins every night and the moolah is good. For my limited array of cards, I paid $14 for more than a dozen chances to win. Play the maximum number of cards and it’ll cost just over $20 and your odds improve.

I think the vital factor with bingo is that you feel like you’re in every game. I came so close to winning so often, I was mentally spending the money in my head. Ah, the Dunlop D606, a fine back tire. I might even buy a pair after I smoke everyone in the Shotgun round.

By the end of the first round, my left hand was covered in pale, green ink. I was making sound effects whenever I used the dauber and I was actually trying to will the caller to pull the numbers I needed. Hooked like a fish, I was, and it’s easy to see how it can become a compulsion.

When you’re playing bingo, your mind is focused on the numbers you need, the numbers about to be called and the numbers that cheating bastard beside you has. There’s not a lot of time to dwell on the worrisome doctor’s appointment, the leaky basement or your grandson’s criminal problems.

Bingo is a diversion, an indulgence and a chance to walk out richer than when you walked in.

Every once in a while, my savior Sylvia would walk by and glance at my cards.

“Looking good,” she would say. And I’d become convinced that this was it. I was going to get that final number and I would call “bingo” like nobody’s ever called it before.

But of course, it never happened and I didn’t leave Cavalier richer than when I went in. Shockingly, my disappointment was minimal and I was already thinking about strategy for next time.

I need to play more cards. I need to be faster on the dauber.

I need to borrow somebody’s dentures, because man, that woman never stopped winning.

Strategies

Avoid the crowds: Since odds depend on the number of cards in play in a game, a poorly attended game can be a rare treat. There’s less competition for the jackpot, and, legally, bingo halls have to award the prizes they advertise regardless of how many people show up.

Play multiple cards: The conventional wisdom among bingo players is that you should buy as many cards as you can handle at a time, without breaking the bank. This way, you’ll increase your chances to win.

Choose nonduplicate cards: Since no bingo card features any number more than once, every single card has the same odds of winning a game. Some players, however, try to maximize their chances of winning by choosing cards that don’t duplicate the numbers they already have on other cards. In choosing cards with different numbers, they are hoping at least one of their cards will feature the number called.

Hold your cards over: Some halls let players retain the same cards from session to session. Is this to your benefit? Well, some players think it may be. They think that playing the same cards over and over will increase their chances of winning. This may be because they have won before with that particular set of cards, or it may be just the opposite: They haven’t won yet with that set, and they feel they are “due.”

Arrive early: It’s common practice for regular players to arrive at the hall one or two hours before the session begins. This gives them ample time to get their favorite seat, prepare their cards (by fastening them down or predaubing spaces not needed for the pattern), grab a snack, set up their good-luck trinkets, play some pull-tabs, or gossip, and play gin rummy with other regulars.

Be prepared: Bring tape or a glue stick. Slippery tables can be a pain when you’re trying to concentrate on your cards. A roll of adhesive tape should solve that. Likewise, a glue stick might be a good investment.

Sit close to the caller: The faster you get information, the better. By sitting near the caller, you may be able to sneak a peek at the next ball as it pops out of the chute. This is a totally acceptable practice, so feel free to take advantage of it. However, be aware that you can’t call bingo until after the number is announced by the caller.

Stay alert: Stay on your toes, because if you cover the pattern on B-7 but don’t yell “bingo” before the next number is called, you lose. For somebody who has spent all night at the tables, it’s a personal tragedy to “sleep a bingo.” (Somebody who hollers “bingo” after the next number has been called is known as a sleeper.)

Keep your wits about you: Some bingo halls serve alcoholic drinks along with the usual assortment of snacks and refreshments. Enjoy in moderation, if that’s what you like, but always remember that alcohol can impair your judgment. Don’t rely on your bingo judgment to be the best under the influence of alcohol. You don’t want to wake up the next morning wondering what happened to that paycheck you just cashed!

Speak up: Don’t be afraid to call the caller. If it seems like the caller is whizzing through the numbers, you may be playing too many cards. But the caller could be new, or he or she may simply be tired and hoping to get the game done quickly. If you know you can play six faces comfortably but you’re having trouble keeping up, don’t be afraid to speak up.

Know the rules: If someone gets a bingo unfairly (for example, they don’t call bingo loud enough for the caller to stop the game but they are awarded the pot anyway), citing the rules may mean the difference between you having a chance to win and the game ending right there.

Ignore the numbers on the left side of the square: By reading the numbers on the card backward — right to left — you may save a little time. For example, if the number called is B-12, scan the right-hand side of the B column for 2s. When you see one, glance to the left for a 1.

Pay attention to the pattern: It can be tricky to keep up with the caller while remembering to check for the pattern needed to win that particular game. It’s not unusual at all for a beginner to get bingo and not realize it, simply because their card is so daubed up that they don’t even see the pattern. Consider bringing a yellow highlighter to mark the daubable spaces.

Source: howstuffworks.com

Mark’s etiquette tips

Shut your face: You don’t want to be yacking once the number calling gets under way. It’s impolite, and if a fellow bingo player can’t hear the numbers because of your running lips, she’ll probably jump you in the parking lot.

Stuff your face: Bingo goes roughly 2 1/2 hours. Get hungry and your focus suffers. Have something to eat before you get rolling. Cavalier and most other halls have a snack bar.

Watch that echo: Don’t repeat the numbers after they’ve been called. It might help you concentrate, but it will irritate the hell out of others.

Keep kids quiet: Let the little ones run around bugging others, he or she might end up on the snack bar menu.

Don’t abuse the caller: It’s not his or her fault you suck.

Think before you call bingo: I explain why in the main story. Premature bingo can get you hurt.

Respect others’ icons: Don’t yell at somebody’s ceramic turtle and say: “Ha ha! What a stupid looking turtle!” because ceramic turtles are hard to digest.

This is not your mother’s bingo hall: You can no longer smoke inside the hall, like back in the day when it was a requirement.

Bingo in Lewiston

Pleasant Street Bingo

475 Pleasant St.

777-1394

Bingo seven nights a week.

Sunday and Monday, games run by the Twelve Hour Club

Tuesdays through Friday, games run by the Lewiston Youth Activity Fund.

Saturday, games run by the Lewiston High Music Association.

Elks Club

1675 Lisbon Road

784-4801

Bingo Tuesday night, Wednesday afternoon

DAV Cavalier Bingo

855 Lisbon St.

784-0244

Bingo Friday night, Sunday afternoon

Copy the Story Link