Let’s talk about the “Big C’ in relationships.

No, not commitment or cheating.

Control.

And like the “Big C’ in the medical world, control can make you very ill and slowly kill your relationship. Control is the reason both of our first marriages ended in divorce.

And why we both believed we would never marry again. Sometimes it seems people get confused (another “C” word) when they promise to love and honor forever. They mistakenly believe that little piece of paper, the marriage license, rather than being a show of love, mutual respect and commitment to flexibility and cooperation, it somehow becomes “Owner’s papers” much like when you own a dog. And this gives people the illusion of being able and entitled even, to try to control their partner.

It’s hard enough to change ourselves. It’s impossible and counter-productive to try to change another person.

Signs of control

-You have no alone time. Ever.

-You “must” go to events together. No, you don’t have to. If there’s a child’s birthday party or a work event, you don’t “have” to go. It’s very different if you want to go than if you must.

-Your spouse is often scheduling your time and your activities. It’s OK if you agree to have some time scheduled or you agree to have your spouse plan something, but it should be first agreed to and also not a daily thing.

-There is anger if you do not bend to the other person’s demands.

-There is manipulation — Is your spouse trying to make you feel bad or guilty about doing your own thing or having control of your own schedule? Not a good thing. Call them on it and ask for your time to be respected and autonomous.

Remember, your partner is not your dog.

Solutions for control

-Make sure you don’t become “one.” Schedule time with other people or to do other things alone. Go get a massage, go on a fishing trip with your friends, and keep your hobbies.

-Make sure you agree to respect each other’s opinions, wants and desire for freedom.

-If you feel angry that your spouse isn’t doing what you want them to do, imagine someone trying to schedule your time or tell you what to do all the time — someone impinging on your freedom of decision and choice. And practice letting it go without anger or manipulation. A funny thing happens when you give your partner freedom, they love you more.

It’s much better to be happy than it is to be “right” and we know from experience.

And if you need help in determining if your current or future spouse is a controller, we recommend you check out http://ConversationsforCouples.com

Jeff Herring is a former marriage and family therapist and relationship coach who teaches entrepreneurs, information marketers and small business owners to write, market and monetize articles about their expertise for more prospects, publicity and profits.

Maritza Parra is a coach who has appeared on Oprah’s XM Radio Show “The Soul Series” and teaches entrepreneurs how to create products to duplicate themselves for years to come.

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