They’re all going to laugh at you

Poor Chester Greenwood. The man invented the earmuff, one of the most enduring pieces of Americana of them all, and look what happened.

There’s the Music Muff that turns your ear warmers into a stereo.

There’s the Earpops, which dispense with the center band so the muffs themselves just hang on your ears.

There’s the Fuzzy Plush Cheeseburger Earmuffs that are exactly what you think they are.

The earmuff has been twisted into demented shapes, wired to play an iPod, flipped to hook behind your head instead of on top of it, and designed to – it’s almost too perverse to describe – cool the ears rather than warm them.

There’s even some yahoo out there who perverted the concept even more by rigging the earmuff to fit the front of the head instead of the sides. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the NoseMuff, invented in 2009.

If Chester Greenwood were alive today, he’d either be weeping, scratching his head or laughing his earmuffs off. But no matter how he might react to the changes, he’d do so a very wealthy man; as other inventions come and go like the seasons, the earmuff has never disappeared altogether from the human conscience. Or from the shelves of stores all over the frosty planet.

Cold cash

Tales about Greenwood and the origins of the earmuff abound: By all tellings, it’s the classic tale of human ingenuity – of necessity giving birth to invention. Most stories have him as a 15-year-old boy with ears burning with cold. He can’t wear a simple muffler like the other kids because wool bothers his skin. The choices are simple. Give it up and go home, or whip up some new device and keep skating with the others on Abbot Pond.

To keep his ears warm on that blustery day in 1873, the stories say, Greenwood fashions warmers out of pads of velvet and beaver fur and connects them with a piece of soft wire. He either fastens it to his cap or yanks it right down over his head, depending on who’s telling the story. He then goes back out to skate and we’ll probably never know if anybody wet themselves with laughter at the sight of him. What is known is that by the time the day was done, every kid on Abbott Pond wanted a pair of ear warmers just like little Chet Greenwood.

Tada! History fit for framing. At least, as the stories are told. For the slightly altered, authentic Greenwood family telling, see the related story.

Regardless, turn the pages a hundred years or so and there’s Chester’s invention, selling for $175 at Saks, a concept so ridiculous, you rub your eyes to make sure you’re seeing the numbers right.

And right you are. At one hundred and seventy-five clams, the Saks earmuffs look pretty much like the originals must have looked – muff on the left, check. Muff on the right, check. One-inch band to put over your noggin. Gotcha.

But Saks doesn’t peddle items constructed of something so humble as beaver fur. Or wool cloth. No, the earmuffs sold on Fifth Avenue are made of cashmere. They won’t warm your ears any more than the others, but your snooty friends will recognize the pricey wool and surely that’s worth the money.

Meanwhile, back in the real world, a set of 180s stereo headphone earmuffs will set you back just $34.97. Still pricey, but you’re paying for the ability to play tunes through your muffs, not for the fine fur of a dead animal.

Expensive earmuffs are out there, sure. But browse the local stores or hit L.L. Bean and you’ll find them modestly priced just about everywhere – from 14 bucks to less than a dollar.

Most of the dollar stores usually have a good supply of earmuffs that sell for – you’ll probably want to write this down – a dollar. These are the kind with plastic bands you can twist up for easy storage. We didn’t send the dollar store muffs off for testing, but we’re reasonably sure they’re not made of cashmere.

Earmuffs are generally inexpensive. And why shouldn’t they be? As much as people have tried to tweak the simple design, the earmuff really hasn’t changed at all. It is what it is. They’ve been around for 137 years and might still be on the shelves of the floating stores in another 137.

Hot product, tepid passion

Earmuffs never seem to be on the high end of fashion but they never sink all the way to the bottom, either. And while they generate quite a bit of excitement in the Farmington area every Dec. 4 when the town celebrates Chester Greenwood Day, for some people earmuffs don’t inspire great passion.

A sampling of comments from ordinary people asked about their earmuff habits:

Lewiston man: “I wore them once, got my ass kicked, threw them out.”

Bangor woman: “I wore them whilst in Maine. L.L. Bean has adjustable ones that don’t make you look like a dork, and I would wear them on cold, windy days out walking. My ears would really get windburned, and those helped.”

Maine man: “I tried them once as a kid. They hurt and squeezed my brain.”

Parsonsfield woman: “. . . about as effective as wearing fingerless gloves.”

Lewiston woman: “I wear them annually, at the Chester Greenwood parade. Yay, Farmington!”

Buffalo, N.Y., woman: “I’ll be brave (or a sucker) and admit to wearing red fluffy earmuffs! They’re a fixture in my winter wardrobe, I’m embarrassed to say.”

Embarrassed? Don’t be. Many people are coming out proudly in support of their love for earmuffs. Hot models wear them for photo shoots. Snow bunnies wear them on the slopes. The entire town of Farmington – it’s the official earmuff capital of the world, you know – has a parade every December dedicated exclusively to Greenwood and his now ubiquitous earmuff.

Ironically,  Greenwood himself might not recognize the term at all. He didn’t deem his invention “the earmuff,” he called them Greenwood’s Champion Ear Protectors. He built a factory and made a fortune supplying U.S. soldiers during World War I. Before long, he was producing earmuffs for the whole world, becoming rich, beloved and envied by all.

Who’s laughing now?

A Chester Greenwood primer

The stories about inventor, designer and entrepreneur Chester Greenwood of Farmington are many, and not all accurate. But they make his accomplishments no less remarkable.

Greenwood, who was born in 1858 and died in 1937, introduced the idea of the earmuff at about the age of 13, slightly younger than reported in many stories, according to his great-grandson Ron Greenwood, who lives in Farmington. By the age of 17, says Ron, Greenwood had patented and registered his earmuff invention in the U.S. and Canada, and was manufacturing them.

As has been often reported, Greenwood likely came up with the idea while ice skating, and searched for a way to keep his ears from freezing. But Ron says he never heard of Greenwood’s alleged aversion to wool or that he fashioned his first pair from velvet and fur, another common report. In fact, Ron says that for Greenwood’s first pair, he asked his grandmother to sew wool cloth over loops of farm wire, which were then fastened to a band that fit over his head. He continued to manufacture Greenwood’s Champion Ear Protectors for nearly 60 years in Farmington. with manufacturing continuing even after his death.

According to Ron, Greenwood’s earmuffs were just one of many endeavors he undertook throughout his life as an inventor and entrepreneur. At 9 or 10 he had an egg and taffy business, walking from the family farm to town and selling his products to local stores. He also operated a bicycle repair business.

Greenwood went on to patent a whistling tea kettle, a doughnut hook to remove doughnuts from hot fat, car shock absorbers, a mechanical cat that was actually a decoy mouse trap that collected mice in its center (used in hotels and public buildings), various solutions for automotive use, and lathes used in wood-turning production. In all, Ron says Greenwood registered up to 100 patents.

Greenwood was also a pioneer of boilers, making Florida Boilers for heating commercial buildings. His last patent was for a spring-toothed steel rake at the age of 78.

In addition to being an inventor he was a businessman, introducing Franklin County to the telegraph and telephone through the Franklin County Co-op Tel & Tel, which he owned, was president of and for which he built all the transmitters and receivers.

In 1977, the state of Maine declared Dec. 21 at Chester Greenwood Day. Farmington continues to celebrate Chester Greenwood Day with a parade in his honor on the first Saturday of December.

In addition to his inventions, he was an accomplished machinist, an active member of the community, a business developer and a family man. His wife, Isabel, was a staunch supporter of women’s suffrage and involved in the prohibition act. He and Isabel were parents of four children.

— Information and assistance also supplied by Lorna Dee Nichols, executive director of the Franklin County Chamber of Commerce.

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