It’s the same thing every year. Some well-meaning yahoo gives you a gym membership for Christmas. Why doesn’t he just come out and tell you you’re too flabby, too skinny or just the wrong shape altogether?

The crass son of a . . . You’d punch him in the eye if you just had the strength and stamina to do so. 

We love you just the way you are. But because it’s a new year, we know that 75 percent of you will soon be vowing to get in shape – get toned, get ripped or get chiseled in time for the beach season all those long months away. 

We also know that nobody wants to do it the old-fashioned way. Dumbbells and a jump rope? What is this, 1982? 

All the TV commercials insist you can achieve supermodel fitness in just a few minutes if you have the right REVOLUTIONARY NEW GADGET designed to make your workout easy. Painless even. 

Build muscle while you brush your teeth! Burn off disgusting fat while you sleep! The men and women in the commercials are damn near perfect, so obviously, it can be done.

And we’re off. Just remember to breath properly while you read our reviews of some of the hottest exercise equipment.

Shake Weight, $29.99

Get Real, get ripped, get rapid results. Consumes muscle energy seven times faster than traditional dumbbells!

“You’ll know in 60 seconds it works,” says Christopher Thomas, Trainer to the Pros.

Christopher Thomas must have been paid a humongous amount to say that. He must have been paid nine figures to say it with a straight face. He must have been given a shopping mall to actually jerk the thing up and down on national TV and pretend its a bona fide workout.

You know how I can tell this huge waste of time doesn’t do anything by way of body building? No matter how you shake it – up and down, side to side, behind the head – your face won’t contort into a hideous mask of agony. Not so much as a snarl. 

Don’t think that means anything at all? Put down the newspaper right now and go do just one curl. Doesn’t even need to be a lot of weight. Pick up a gallon of milk and pull it up to your chin.

See what happens? Your left nostril became the diameter of a manhole and one of your lips disappeared altogether. That’s strain, man.

The Shake Weight, as far as I can tell, won’t strain anything but your wallet.

The so-called “dynamic inertia” that promoters of this glorified dog toy tout apparently translates into English as “Dude, you look ridiculous.” Using it feels like shaking a huge amount of salt onto a plate of spaghetti. Unless you do it side-to-side. That feels absolutely unnatural, like nothing you have ever done before or will do again.

I tried it behind the back. It’s sort of the same motion you use when trying to reach an itch in a difficult location. You don’t feel any particular muscles being worked. You just feel like a jackass, and a little bit obscene at the same time.

The Shake Weight will make you tired, sure. But it’s not the healthy burn kind of tired you get raking the lawn, scrubbing a car or chasing squirrels. You don’t feel fatigue in any particular muscle no matter how you shake this thing. I’d be willing to bet you get a more authentic workout scratching off a lottery ticket. And with a lottery ticket, you might get something out of it and you don’t look like someone who should be hiding in shadows at an adult cinema.

You will blush, you will giggle, you will need a cigarette when you’re done. What you won’t be is any stronger, faster or more muscular. I’m no Jack LaLanne, but I’m giving the Shake Weight the fattest zero our font people can come up with.

Consolations include a really funny instructional video that comes with the gadget. Not appropriate for all audiences.

Door Gym, $19.99 by itself, $40 as part of a kit

I got a workout, all right. Just taking the stuff out of the box, I was winded. Seriously, why do they have to use so much binding on those things?

The Door Gym assembles in about five minutes, thanks to one of those universal tools you will throw in a box and in six months, wonder what the hell it is. Looks sort of like a roller skate key.

The Door Gym does what it claims. It hooks over the wood frame of a doorway and uses opposing pressure points to stay there. Or some physics mumbo jumbo like that.

My problem with the Door Gym has nothing to do with the product. My problem is a matter of trust. Specifically, I don’t trust that the walls are solid enough to support even my slight frame as I hoist myself up. You hear cracking and groaning within the woodwork. You try to concentrate on a perfect chin-up and instead find yourself imagining what exactly you’d break if this thing snapped in mid-lift.

Once you get over the paranoia, though, you’re in for a good workout. Not a light workout you can get through while watching Glee. This is fairly hardcore stuff.

Chin-ups work all sorts of muscles and you can mix it up to target different muscle groups. Hands facing out, hands facing in. Hands close together, hands far apart. Good burn in the shoulders and back.

The gizmo comes with straps into which you hook your elbows. With that arrangement, you pull your knees up toward your chest and your abs will be on fire in no time.

To use the Door Gym, you need a doorway with standard width. Since I live in a house built by lunatics, I had to look around a bit. Before you buy, I’d suggest measuring the doorways in your home to make sure you have one that will work.

Storage is pretty easy. Leave it hooked to the door frame. When visitors ask what the hell that contraption is, make up something exotic.

6-Second Abs, $42.97 

Here we go again: Hot models and buff tan guys telling you that all of this is possible for just seconds a day! Why waste hours at a gym when you could get sculpted in the time that it takes to toast a bagel? A quicker workout means more time to do important things, like get your hair feathered.

The “six seconds” in 6-Second Abs is a little deceiving. It refers to the amount of time spent on each abdominal crunch, not your total workout time. You crunch for three clicks down and three clicks back up. And, goofy, narcissistic model spokespersons or not, this thing really does provide a decent ab workout.

6-Second Abs looks like a small vacuum cleaner and will actually scare cats because of it. It comes with a variety of tension bands that will allow you to set the level of your workout. You’ll find that you’re done with the sissy, light-tension bands soon enough. You’ll just go with straight red ones and throw the others away.

Advantages of this device include a variety of different workouts that zero in on the abs and obliques. You can use it just about everywhere and it’s not so bulky that it’s hard to lug around. Good stuff. And when you go to your favorite department store and try to pick one up, the clerk will look at you like you just asked where they keep the NordicTrack, or something ancient like that. Because 6-Second Abs has been around a few years and is therefore obsolete. 

No other body part gets so much commercial attention as the abdomen. Stroll down the fitness aisle and you’ll find an array of equipment that would look at home in a medieval torture chamber. The Ab Twister, The Ab Rocket, The Ab Slider, The Ab Wheel, The Ab Doer, The Ab Little Kid Running Head-First Into Your Gut. But as we mentioned above, 6-Second Abs has been around for a while. What does that mean? It means millions of people are selling them on eBay and you can probably find one cheap.

Push-up stands, from $6 to $44

See the hulking man on the box? Do you think he got that way doing simple push-ups? Of course not, girly man. He got that way doing The Perfect Push-up.

Push-ups should be the simplest things out there. Stretch out with your hands flat on the floor and – stay with me here – push up. But no. A Navy Seal came along and made it better and what are you going to do? Argue with a Navy Seal?

You can find push-up stands just about anywhere. Six bucks at Marden’s will get you a pair from Bell. They’re sturdy, comfortable to the hands and will provide a deeper push-up. No moving parts at all. Simplicity defined.

The Perfect Push-Up, on the other hand, has rotating grip. You can adjust the tension so that it turns easily or doesn’t turn at all. The idea is that allowing your wrists to rotate provides a more natural movement as you’re grunting up and down. It engages more muscles and eases the strain on your shoulder.

Maybe. I found the rotation feature more distracting than anything else. It’s hard to concentrate on good form when you’re wondering what your wrists are doing. If that happens, just tighten the gadget up so it doesn’t turn at all. And if you find yourself doing that, congratulations. You just paid more than 40 bucks for a piece of equipment that could be had for under 10 somewhere else.

At the risk of incurring the wrath of that Rambo guy on the box, I’d suggest skipping The Perfect-Push Up and looking for a cheaper alternative.

Air Climber, $99

I had someone drive me to the mall and drop me off at the door. I hitched a ride on somebody’s cart and then took the escalator to the second floor. There, I found the Air Climber, a small device that uses – I was as shocked as you are – air to provide resistance and lift your legs up. It makes a freaky whooshing noise, but generally mimics the motion of walking so you can work out your calves, thighs and glutes, whatever those are. There are resistance bands for an arm workout, but many have complained that the whole package is cheap and not durable at all. If it falls apart, you’ll have to walk back to the mall to exchange it and who needs that kind of hassle?

Ball, from $4 to $50

Go figure. Among the most versatile exercise gadgets out there is just an over-sized version of the ball you used to kick around at recess.

The exercise ball is awesome. Flap around on it like a drunk trying to crawl through Jello and you’ll work out just about all of you. Lay on it and do crunches. Lift it with your legs for a lower body workout. Incorporate it into your yoga or pilates routine. Some people are so into the fitness ball, they sit on them instead of chairs at work. The temptation to throw darts at them is unreal.

Vinyl workout suit $5.99

Sure, you’ll look like someone who’s waiting for the mothership to beam you up. But the beauty of one of these heat trapping outfits is that you’ll feel like you’re getting a workout even if you do nothing more than open a bag of chips.

Sweat?You could grow rice between your thighs.