It’s called the blanket tug of war. You know, the man rolls over and takes all the blankets with him. Then the woman wakes up freezing and discovers honeybunch has them securely wrapped around him.

She employs the two-handed wrist snap, unrolling hubby and pulling the blankets to her side of the bed. Sometimes at the height of the blanket battle, she, out of desperation and goose bumps, resorts to the two-handed wrist snap and then pins the blankets between her legs and throws herself on top of them.

She wins this segment of the battle and is snug as a bug. But her defensive move has triggered the next phase of the war: the boundary battle.

He wakes up chilled to the bone, tugs on the blankets and gently and sweetly says, “Honey, you’ve got all the blankets.”

No response. A little louder and less sweetly, he says, “Sweetie, give me some blankets.” A slight groan comes from Sweetie as she rolls over, taking a few more inches of the blankets.

Now, the gloves come off. It’s 2 a.m., he’s wide awake and freezing. “Give me the blankety-blank blankets you battle-ax,” he says as he shakes her shoulder. She lets out another groan as she tucks a few more inches of covers under her toasty warm body.

He reaches under the blankets and wraps his arms around her, plants both bony knees into the small of her back and drifts off to sleep.

Now, she’s awake, sweating and held down by his dead weight. She resorts to the elbow in the ribs to no avail. He merely groans, but does not move.

Clinging to the edge of the bed, hot from the blankets and his body heat, she sticks her feet outside of the covers until they are nice and cold and places them strategically on his body. He moves onto his back.

I think men should have to place electrodes on their bodies at night so when they end up on their backs a mild shock goes through them to make them roll to their sides. Why? Because within seconds of landing on their backs, men start snoring.

An earthquake won’t wake them up. You can yell at them, you can beat them, you can try whatever you like, but they won’t wake up. They’re just going to lay there, mouth wide open, arms spread out, one of them hitting the wife in the face, and snoring.

This is when she starts hearing the creeks in the floorboards, a strange sound from the furnace, footsteps outside the bedroom window, or the front door opening.

But he is oblivious to the horrors now befalling her, including the smell of smoke.

If either person should get up to go to the bathroom they return to find the other crosswise in the bed, hogging all the blankets and hugging all of the pillows. The blankets and pillows have to be wrestled away while trying to push the other person to their side of the bed.

I don’t think people were really meant to sleep together. The night is too short and love is too precious to spend it in battle. Twin beds pushed side by side just might be the answer to a peaceful night’s sleep and a stable relationship. I’m not saying everyone should run right out a buy twin beds, but the way I see it, it’s an idea that wouldn’t do any harm in order to sleep on for a while.