Wish you were here

A fellow named Steve Anctil Jr. writes from the Correctional Center in Windham looking to say hello to his peeps. If the dude doesn’t score a few pen pals – and maybe one of those prison brides – out of this, I’ll be shocked.

“This goes out to all my haters out there looking down at me and the people who think they can just forget about me. You can’t forget about me forever because I’m comin home real soon. But in the mean time, I feel the need to thank you all. For the time bein, I get free rent, free electricity, free hot water, free laundry, free cable, free access to a phenominal gym, free food, an free healthcare. Just because I’m away from now does not mean you can silence me. My voice will always be heard, an I have an irrepressible personality. Now excuse my back.”

Lewiston may buy canals

That’s just shrewd investing right there. The market for rusted shopping carts, bicycles, busted television sets, computer hard drives that I swear are not mine, tire rims, swing sets, hubcaps and nuisance cats has got to boom sooner or later.

And the Oscar goes to . . .

Absolutely nobody in downtown Lewiston. I’m not saying that everybody out here is an aspiring thespian, but we’ve been hearing some lame performances from guys who show up at home without the money they left with. “It was awful, honey. Nine ninjas jumped me in the parking lot, tickled me until I peed and stole the money you gave me. This is why I am here before you without milk, bread and tampons.” Damn ninjas. OK, I made that one up, but the actual ones we’ve heard are just as good, but frankly, too embarrassing to the poor bastards to repeat. If you’re too lazy to improve your skills as an ACK-tor by taking classes, at least mix it up a little. Go on the web and see what long-haired tales other guys are telling their wives. And then do the opposite. Here’s a website to get you started, Johnny Desperate: wikihow.com/Think-of-a-Quick-Alibi

Yahooligans

Saw a decent shouting match at Walmart the other day between a man on crutches and a younger dude who had parked his gangsta mobile directly in front of the entrance. The guy with the crutches had to hobble his way through slush and ice to get around the parked car so that he could make his way to his own vehicle parked in a handicapped spot. The hobbling man was being selfish. Clearly, the gangsta fellow had parked in front of the doors so that everyone else could hear his car stereo, too, while his baby mama scooted into the store for an economy-sized jug of entitlement.

Spring training

Say what you want about the Kansas City Royals’ crappy lineup.

Say it with phalanges

On a recent mild afternoon I was out on the Suzuki, riding the downtown streets, wowing the ladies, saving lives. You know. All that stuff I do. On Park Street, some oaf in a truck twirled his fingers around his temples and scowled at me. On College, a mustachioed man in another truck gave me an enthusiastic thumbs up. Now, I ask you. Which of these guys do you suppose is more fun at parties?

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