Lovin’ spoonfuls

Ice cream shops have opened for business and you know what ice cream season means!

It means we get ice cream. What did you think it meant?

Nothing to see here, keep moving

On Tuesday afternoon, a local woman called police to report that her boyfriend was getting beat up by a group of females. In the background, you could hear the guy screaming. It wasn’t pain making the poor lad cry out. He was appealing to his girlfriend to not summon the cops, a group of spectators and potentially a bored reporter to the scene of the atrocity.

Winning, somewhat

Charlie Sheen’s got nothing. I’m pleased to announce that another three towns have been added to my upcoming tour, The Steaming Springtime Dog Poop Torpedoes of Truth. Over the course of spring, I will be appearing in Sabattus, Litchfield, Lisbon, Rumford, Bog Hoot and Alna, which I am assured is a real town. This is where I really let loose and put that hamster blood and earthworm DNA on full display.

Beech Street Bridge

I don’t know what kind of condition the bridge is in, but every time I try to walk my billy goat across it, some ugly woman beneath it hits on me.

Aflac!

The dude got paid six figures to shout one word in a duck voice and he couldn’t keep the job. Who among us would have guessed that Gilbert Godfrey is a weasel?

Super moon!

Word on the street is, prostitution in downtown Lewiston took a hit on the big night. Turns out the moon was so bright, a guy could see what he was about to pay for.

Curb your enthusiasm

Yes! There will be Spring Clean-up Week in Auburn. Wife may get an anniversary gift after all.

LePage vs. The Mural

He really has become a “What’s Next” kind of governor. By taking on a cherished piece of Maine history, the governor does inspire fear of things still to come. Will he next take the plaintive song away from the chickadee and insist they sing the Marden’s theme? Order all those lighthouses knocked down and replace them with giant middle fingers? Change the motto from “Maine: The Way Life Should Be” to “Maine: Who Gives a Crap What You Want?” Ban banana hammocks at Old Orchard Beach? Add a syllable to our state name so we don’t even have the single-syllable distinction anymore? Do away with the lobster plate?

Actually, that last one wouldn’t be so bad. Those little lobsters look like crab lice. I assume.

The Census is out

Sadly, my info was not included due to an unfortunate incident with some fava beans.

We’re rolling now

Some horrible woman on the B Section staff wants me to delve into the mysterious world of ladies roller derby so I can write a feature story about it. The problem: I need to come up with a catchy roller nickname before I get in the rink with those gals and get beaten unconscious. I welcome all suggestions and/or band-aids.