Premature education

A disgusted reader wrote to point out an ugly, ugly thing. Last week’s Sunday paper, it seems, came with a flier from Staples advertising “Back to School Savings.” You got shivers? I got shivers. If you’re counting, that’s less than one week after the Fourth of July when an advertiser started pushing the school season on us. Whomever is responsible is owed a day’s worth of noogies, pink bellies, wet Willies, wedgies, reverse popsicles, twitching T-bones, Fat Alberts and whatever new methods of torture the kids are using these days.

An appalling trend

It’s spreading like an STD. No, not that. That’s all cleared up. I’m talking about the “No motorcycles” signs appearing at the heads of trails like … like some kind of rash or something. I first found one of these signs at Mount Blue and then, later, in Weld. I figured it was a regional thing. You know, like, “We don’t take kindly to your two-wheeled VEE-hickles in this part of the state, boy. Them two-wheeled VEE-hickles are the devil’s chariots.”

So, over the weekend, I took a ride to Paris, eager to jump on trails that were said to be just delightful. But again, nope. First sign of trails I saw was the hateful one that says “No motorcycles.” It’s insulting. It’s perplexing. It itches like crazy.

Twins in the mud

One afternoon last week, I spotted an extremely rugged and handsome motorcycle buzzing down Main Street in Lewiston. A Suzuki dual sport like my own. Same color pattern and everything – black, white, gray and just a sexy hint of red. A thing of beauty. I don’t know who you are, stranger on the Suzuki, but you should look me up. If we get these two bikes together, maybe we can breed ’em.

Bird poop mistaken as paint ball vandalism

If the universe is in balance, somewhere out there, a dude is peppering his pals with animal waste. They probably had it coming.

Direct me to the funny pages

Sometimes I like to look at the Sun Journal’s “latest headlines” to get ideas for this column. Not last week. Here’s what I found there at first glance: “Mother of infant mauled to death by dog arrested in Maine.” “Landlord accused of attempted rape.” “Mexican national sentenced to 15 months in Maine immigration case.” “Police nab commercial burglar.” “Man accused of threatening neighbor.” Nasty. Even the comics were foul. Did you see what Mark Trail did to Nancy? I hope they hang that deviant.

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