The sound of screeching brakes

Riding through Lewiston the other day, I was greeted by the sight of maybe 100 Bates College boys, many of them shirtless, jogging up Montello Street. For me, it was a nuisance, an extra five seconds I had to wait at a stop sign before hitting the trails. For the dozen or so 40-something soccer moms who crashed their minivans into trees: The jackpot!

It’s all downhill from here

A day or so later, I was riding out Old Greene Road when I came across another odd sight. Dozens of students, most of them girls, gliding up the roadway on what appeared to be skis. Just goes to show. A liberal arts college education doesn’t mean a person is smart enough to realize there’s no snow on the ground.

Baby Olympics

You know where this is going, right? Some local group organized an event by that title to raise money for a cause. This on the heels of a federal case where the U.S. Olympic Committee has forbidden a group of – let’s just say rural folks – from naming their own event The Redneck Olympics. It’s OK to use the Olympic name for one but not for the other? I cry double standard. After all, the only difference between babies and rednecks is that babies are somewhat smarter.

Sponge Brain

What? Some do-gooder group has asserted that cartoons like SpongeBob SquarePants may diminish a child’s attention span. I find this distressing because lately, I’ve become hooked on a newer cartoon called Johnny Test. He’s got a head of fiery hair and a turbo-charged backpack. His genius sisters use him like a lab rat. A neat-freak dad at home, a super busy mom. The boy’s best friend is a talking dog.

You see that? I already learned half the words to the Johnny Test theme song. This business about shortened attention spans is just . . . You know, it’s just . . .

Whatever.

‘Nicolas Cage Awakened by Naked Man with Fudgesicle’

It’s a real headline. And that’s it, game over. The search for the perfect headline ends right here. Thank you all for stopping by.

‘Gordon Ramsay’s dwarf porn double dies in badger den’

OK. We have a new winner.

Saint Sarah?

According to an upcoming book, Sarah Palin did a little blow back in her day and even had an affair or two. Drug use and promiscuity. Yes, THESE are the reasons not to vote for her.

Insert ‘Rocky’ theme here

It’s official. On Saturday, Sept. 24, I’ll be judging a dog show at the Greater Androscoggin Humane Society in Lewiston. My partner? Beast master Wendell Strout. That’s right, the original team that tackled the Maine Mutant for the History Channel is back together. And we’re not taking this lightly, either. We’re going to train real hard to get back in beast-battling shape. We’re going to train like Rocky and Apollo trained for “Clubber” Lang.

I’m particularly looking forward to the part where we frolic in the ocean while wearing head bands and short shorts.

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