OMG!

New texting law, suckers! No more letting your fingers do the walking to tell your BFF about the Brazilian wax as you buzz at 45 mph along Snark Street. And that goes for you as well, ladies.

WTH?

It’s good news for all, because everybody knows that when a new law pertaining to personal behavior goes into effect, people comply at once. Especially teenagers.

JK

It’s kind of a bummer for me, though. There are few things I enjoy more than sending text messages to my pals while flying down the trails on my dirt bike. Sometimes I’ll even send a quick note to the good people of Maine Cycle to let them know I’ll be in for repairs. “About 2 ride in2 swamp!” I’ll swipe. “TTYL!”

ROFL

You know who doesn’t spend a lot of time sending text messages? The fine ladies of Lewiston House of Pizza. They’re way too busy preparing my pizza to mess around with their phones. (I’m sorry. If I don’t say that, they won’t give me my pepperoni.)

Ptooey!

Texting isn’t the only dangerous habit, though. I have in my hand a police accident report that states: “Vehicle One on River Road heading toward Alfred Plourde Parkway. Vehicle One operator attempts to spit out his window. While spitting, Vehicle One operator goes off the roadway, striking the guide wires to a CMP pole. It was at that time that the pole shakes and tears the electrical service off the house.”

Got that kids? Don’t spit while you drive. Just drool like a responsible adult.

Conjugal

So, on Thursday, a judge in Androscoggin County Superior Court ordered the courtroom cleared so that a freshly convicted burglar could hug his girlfriend goodbye before going off to the hoosegow for six years. The accused got an extra pat down from a guard before his girlfriend hobbled over on crutches to accept the hug. I’d be damn surprised if there wasn’t a bailiff off in the background playing a violin.

Adults only

So, I rooted my Android over the weekend. Doesn’t that just sound filthy?

Universal sign for choking

Wanted to ask my Bosox friends who they most despise. Carl Crawford? Jonathan Papelbon? Francona? Andino? Longoria? Half the Red Sox fans told me to go perform an impossible bodily act. The other half, the ones with the pink hats, had no idea who any of those people are.

Just friends

“Moneyball.” Went to see it, loved it. Special thanks to my new friend Steve for taking me. Also for buying me popcorn and soda.

Wait, was that a date?

Cookie dusted

So, Portland was named this week among the most mustache-friendly cities in the world. It hurts, I know. I thought this was going to be Lewiston’s year as well.

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