As the fallout of the greatest collapse in history continues, Boston Red Sox ownership is going to have a lot of smear campaigns to conduct in the coming months. I’ve taken the liberty of crafting some sample smears, ready for print at the appropriate time, so that the brass can focus on more important tasks, such as hiring a new general manager and manager and giving the green light to the starting rotation’s next hit country music video, “Yeehaw! I love cole slaw!”

The first subject, of course, is former general manager Theo Epstein. You may recall Epstein was the target of another hit job when he resigned in 2005, only to return to the Red Sox a short time later. That’s only because I didn’t write his first Red Sox obituary.

Red Sox lore holds that Epstein was able to convince Curt Schilling to waive his no-trade clause and agree to a trade to Boston while joining the Schilling family for Thanksgiving dinner in 2003. But sources indicate the general manager’s bizarre behavior that day put the deal in peril.

According to a guest at the table, Epstein ignored several requests to pass the gravy, then finally relented and drizzled it all over Shonda Schilling’s “First Thanksgiving” table centerpiece. Another guest described Epstein as “very gassy” when the party retired to the den to watch football and said the general manager offended Mrs. Schilling when he referred to her pumpkin pie as “that orange wheel of botulism.” Sources said the deal would have died but for Red Sox President/CEO Larry Lucchino’s heartfelt apology and $500 Pier 1 Imports gift certificate to Mrs. Schilling.

Sources also revealed that Lucchino had to step in for Epstein again in 2005, when the latter infamously left Fenway Park in a gorilla suit after resigning as general manager on Halloween.

An employee at the costume shop that rented the disguise to Epstein complained to the Red Sox that it had been returned with a distinct odor of cheap bourbon and Altoids inside the mask and with the fur matted in sweet and sour sauce. Lucchino paid the dry cleaning bill for the costume and gave the shop owner a used “Wally the Green Monster”suit to rent for the inconvenience. The shop owner refused the suit after finding multiple tobacco juice stains on it, the result of a verbal altercation the mascot once had with manager Terry Francona.

Once Epstein gets his sendoff, one of his most unpopular signings, J.D. Drew, can’t be far behind:

Red Sox officials say they first became concerned with Drew’s mental state when he was heard to yell “Darn!” after seeing his name in the starting lineup for the second consecutive game on April 6. The rare emotional outburst by the normally detached Drew caused Terry Francona to have a closed-door meeting with the right fielder in which he offered him a Percocet and asked if he had a guest room where the manager could spend the week.

Jason Varitek’s days may be numbered in Boston after a distinguished 15-year career. Just because Varitek predates pink hats at Fenway doesn’t mean he is immune from the traditional farewell:

According to club sources, ownership ordered that a ‘C’ be embroidered onto Varitek’s jersey, not to indicate he was the team captain but to serve as a reminder to the veteran of what position to take when he ran onto the field. The 39-year-old catcher would often leave the dugout between innings and wander to the photographer’s well on the other side of the field to flirt with a sideline reporter while pitchers stood on the mound waiting for someone to warm them up.

Multiple sources indicated that Varitek’s relationship with manager Terry Francona became strained when Varitek refused to give Francona the sideline reporter’s phone number. The manager became so enraged during the argument that he began experiencing heart palpitations and lost consciousness. Because team medical personnel were unavailable, treating relief pitcher Bobby Jenks for gout, President/CEO Larry Lucchino had to be summoned from working with Jacoby Ellsbury in the batting cage to revive Francona.

Anyone who saw David Ortiz’s interview with ESPN earlier in the week has to believe the free-agent-to-be has one foot out the door. I think I hear knives being sharpened:

In 2005, Red Sox ownership presented Ortiz with a plaque proclaiming the slugger as “the greatest clutch hitter in the history of the Boston Red Sox.” A smiling Ortiz accepted the award during a pre-game ceremony, but according to sources, when the ceremony was over, he stormed into yhe clubhouse and dropped the plaque in a trash can, yelling “Big Papi wants an extension, not cheap trophies.”

Last August, Ortiz interrupted manager Terry Francona’s pregame press conference, saying “I’m [bleeping] pissed. We need to have a talk, you and me.” The tirade was reported to be about the designated hitter having an RBI taken away from him by the official scorer at Fenway Park, but sources believe Ortiz was actually upset with Francona for clearing out his medicine cabinet while he was a guest in the slugger’s home for two weeks in late July.

Ortiz hit one home run in September.

If Red Sox ownership needs any more help re: Jonathan Papelbon, Tim Wakefield (especially Wakefield) or anyone else who might leave this offseason, I can be reached at rwhitehouse@sunjournal.com.

I’m just doing my part as a card-carrying, brick-buying member of Red Sox Nation. No one wants the stewards to get stretched so thin that they lose their grip on soccer, NASCAR, and finding good deals on headphones.

Randy Whitehouse is a staff reporter. His email rwhitehouse@sunjournal.com.

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