Ham to go

Pigs run free in Turner. Clearly they heard a Hannaford is coming and they want no part of it. You think they want to end up on that cold shelf with the kielbasa and those creepy pork chops? Good thing we had staffer Russ DillingHAM around to photograph the event. (I have no idea if Russ was there or not, but if you think I’m passing up that play on words, you’re nuts.)

Poor sign of the future

I think pigs running wild might also be another sign of the apocalypse. What are we up to now, like eight in Turner alone?

They don’t call it ‘greater’ for nothing

Congratulations to the Greater Androscoggin Humane Society for placing first in the Northeast, third in the country, in a contest to find homes for more critters. The contest comes with a $20,000 prize. Does that mean I can expect fresh Snausages the next time my wife drops me off there?

Mayoral runoff in Lewiston

You know why they call it that? It’s because one candidate will stand victorious and the other will runoff mad. I just figured that out.

You HEART the Red Sox

A man named Valentine will lead the team this season. You know how this works. Every player has to give out cards they made themselves with big, red hearts and cheesy sentiments scribbled in crayon. Only, the ugly, smelly player (Dustin Pedroia) won’t get any cards at all and the coach will yell at everyone.

Black Friday

I didn’t go out to the stores that day, but I did venture over the weekend – Taupe Saturday and Apricot Sunday – and I can tell you this: Everybody in every store has been smoking mistletoe. At least five times, I was nearly run over by a shopping cart even though I was nowhere near the hot merchandise. This time of year, they’ll run you over just for sport.

Bell guilt

That’s a new term – look it up if you want to – for the shame you feel when you pretend to be distracted by something as you walk by a Salvation Army bell ringer.

Sketchy business

Wow. Bill Eldridge and his family are just way too nice to me. These are the people who sent me the caricature a few months ago of me as a bodybuilder. Which I thought was pretty much mirror-image, by the way. This time, it’s a rendering of my latest novel “Delirium Tremens,” complete with reaper, noose, bloody ax and eyeballs floating in blood. Beautifully ghastly. Check out my website to see this work of art. I’m extremely thankful for this keepsake. I’m also very curious to know what the Eldridge family Christmas card looks like. Bats pecking out Santa’s eyes? Death by yule log? The top of the tree adorned by a human head? Love it. Love all of it.

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