Does anybody really know what day it is?

So on Wednesday night, I get asked to deliver a newspaper to a man who insists he did not get one that day. Hey, I’m more than happy to do my part to appease the fellow who still reads the newspaper. So I fly over there, offer my “better late than never” witticism and head back to the newsroom, aglow with the satisfaction of a job well done. But no. I’m not even back yet when the man calls the paper, irate because I dropped off Wednesday’s paper, not Thursday’s. It was explained to him that the day was Wednesday and thus, Thursday’s paper was not printed yet. But he called back, further agitated because he wanted to read Thursday’s paper. Once again, it was explained that the day was Wednesday, offering Wednesday’s paper, not Thursday’s. Me, I figured the man was messed up, but you know me. I like to keep an open mind. So I went home, slept on it and woke to a startling revelation. The old man was right! It WAS Thursday!

Bag of Bones

The latest King adaptation wrapped up earlier in the week. I didn’t care for it, sir. Didn’t care for it at all. For one thing, Pierce Brosnan delivered each of his lines twice, as though the director didn’t feel the audience would be smart enough to understand the first time around. For another thing, Brosnan seemed to have a British accent in one scene, a horrible affected Maine accent in the next. Very frustrating. I ended up cheering for the dead people. Much like the Lewiston mayoral race, now that I think of it.

By the way

Anyone notice that Pierce Brosnan and our own Chris Williams look a lot alike? This may explain why Williams carries around a martini everywhere he goes.

I say

This may explain why Williams carries around a martini everywhere he goes.

The Higgs Boson

Physicists at the Large Hadron Collider are closing in on this theoretical particle. You may think such lofty science has no application in the real world, but according to my calculations, the Higgs Boson is what steals one of your socks every time you put them in the dryer. Go, science, go.

The black hole of Auburn

Paranoid reader Steve points out that the city of Auburn recently completed construction of a new parking lot on Court Street and, according to his observations, the total number of vehicles that have been parked there is: zero. According to my calculations, several hundred cars have actually parked there only to vanish without a trace. Damn you, Higgs Boson!

Lindsay Lohan does Playboy

Boy, wait until she comes out of that blackout. “Where did this million bucks come from and why do I smell like Hugh Hefner’s pipe?” But we’ve all been there.

Can you imagine . . .

. . . getting paid a million dollars just to get naked so that other people can look at you? Every time I do it, all I get is grief from the human resources department.

Facebook timeline

Excellent. Now maybe we can all go back to a time before we were a bunch of self-absorbed dorks.