Beat it

In Bangor, a man has asked to be flogged instead of being sent to prison. This is his lucky day. If my understanding of prison is correct, he gets to have both.

Boghoots Bar & Grille

On Jan. 27, a restaurant and bar by this name is opening in Mechanic Falls. Is that the best name ever, or what? I’m definitely going to the opening. Figure I’ll get my butt kicked out of there and then I’ll get T-shirts printed that say: “I was given the boot from Boghoot.” Tell me the chicks won’t dig that.

Blackout

Part of the Internet was closed on Wednesday as thousands of websites shut down to protest proposed anti-piracy laws. Fortunately, none of the ones I use on a daily basis were among them. I just had to prove I was 18 and it was business as usual.

Party like it’s 2009

A conservative group this week released information showing that the Maine State Housing Authority has shelled out dough to vendors that include a massage therapist, three marital arts centers, a dance club, a theater and 240 hotels, inns and resorts. Why, that sounds exactly like my bachelor party.

Just kidding, dearest

My bachelor party was actually a perfectly sedate and wholesome affair. You can ask any of the strippers.

Again I kid

This has gotten out of hand.

EAP

Many thanks to those of you who wrote to wish me a Happy Edgar Allan Poe’s birthday and to opine that I might be the mysterious bringer of roses and cognac. It’s a nice thought, but nope. It isn’t me. It would be more in keeping with my personal style, most of you would agree, to leave something more along the lines of an Old Milwaukee 40 and some scratch-off tickets on the great man’s grave. And frankly, I think Eddie would appreciate that.

A winter miracle

On Friday, six inches of snow fell across the area and yet children were sent to school, anyway. No, really! Typically, classes are cancelled at the mere mention of precipitation, but not this time, punks. This time, the little boogers had to hike through several inches of new fallen snow and stand at bus stops with sort of wet feet. Like we did in the old days. Remember that? Uphill both ways, sometimes fighting off coyotes along the way? Grit, that’s what we had. And Friday’s decision to keep the schools open came just one day after Governor Grit himself was in the Twin Cities kicking butt and taking names. Coincidence? Probably.