All in a day

Did you know that Wednesday marked a very rare and powerful cosmic alignment not seen since a time when the pyramids were still under warranty? That’s right. It was both leap day AND hump day. I hope you celebrated accordingly.

Snowe job

So many politicians scrambled after Olympia Snowe’s Senate seat, like ants after a dropped burrito, that I’d be happy to personally craft her next statement if it were to say something like this: “Naw, just yanking your chain, knuckleheads. I’m not going anywhere. Go back to your desk jobs and bring me coffee on your way out.” You just don’t see enough of that kind of tomfoolery in the Capitol anymore.

More on Olympia

You could put a prime rib in your back pocket and you still won’t get that many people after your seat.

Just one more

Beyonce in her prime didn’t have that many people after her seat.

In like a lyin’

That was it? That was the big storm we were all worried about? Seriously? I totally regret getting my water from the toilet all week in preparation. How’s my breath?

Google privacy policy

The new one went into effect on Wednesday and, frankly, I’m not worried in the least. I clear my history, cache and cookies 10 times a day and routinely soak my hard drive in gasoline for unrelated reasons.

Knowledge is power?

But if you really want to know what Google knows about you, check out your Google dashboard. Prepare to be freaked out.

More on Snowe

Olympia will never be able to book a flight or go to the movies again because someone will always be there to snatch her seat out from under her. Good luck sitting down, like, ever, Senator.

Nerves of steel

Police say a guy from Massachusetts was caught with 20 pounds of marijuana in his car after he couldn’t drive past a cop on a routine traffic stop. So, let me get this straight. You’ve got 20 pounds of weed in your trunk and you freeze at the first sight of Smokey on the highway. Get into a new line of work there, Potsie. You haven’t got what it takes for drug muling.

Put your hands in the air like you don’t care

Then there’s the dude who chickened out while attempting to rob an Irving gas station. Handed the clerk a note and then lost his nerve when the clerk asked a few followup questions. Seriously, a note? There ought to be an app for that, wherein you can send in your demand for money via your smartphone. Have a bag of cash, with a big dollar sign printed on the front, waiting when you get to the Quickie Mart. They could call the app “Rob ‘n Go” or “Stick ’em Up.” Not available for Apple products. Those guys already got robbed.

In all fairness

I swiped that “Leap Day, Hump Day” thing from my sister-in-law. First her sister, now her clever word play. It’s all downhill from here, Sissy.

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