Sap!

Behold Gov. Paul LePage, tapping a maple tree on the Blaine House lawn. Truth be told, he wasn’t driving a spike into the tree in order to coax out the sweetness within. He was punishing the tree for trying to collect runoff from the Blaine House roof. Go out and get a job, tree!

I like them french fried pataters

No joke: In Island Falls, or some other seemingly make-believe Stephen King town, a lone man robbed the Katahdin (of course) Trust Co. bank last week. Witnesses said the getaway car had been stashed between a pair of potato houses. Sure it was. And the suspect himself was described as having two very large, detachable ears, an oversized pink nose and several optional lips, from plump and red to the tiny O of a shocked expression. It was believed the culprit only made it a few feet from the bank on account of having gigantic feet at the ends of tiny legs estimated at only an inch long. And yet he remains at large. Probably hiding in that last order of large fries you got at the Burger King.

In an unrelated matter

I’m moving to Island Falls.

Solar flare

The sun has been fuming in a big way and who can blame it, when you get right down to it, considering some of the people who lay out in it? Not to mention things like banana hammocks and half-shirts worn by men and horrible songs like “Walking on Sunshine.” And now that the solar flares are entering the peak of their 11-year-cycle, “experts” everywhere are using it as an excuse for things from the soaring cost of gasoline to their inability to satisfy a woman, like, ever.

My apologies

To Katrina & the Waves.

Not to mention warm

As a direct result of the solar flare, the temperature climbed up into the 60s on Thursday, prompting people who normally wear pajamas when they’re out and about to further undress. Body parts everywhere. And tattoos. Lots of tattoos on chalk-white skin. Quite shocking, really. I’m thinking about getting one of those black bars to put on my motorcycle shield so I can censor some of this stuff.

Knife? That’s not a knife

Actually, it is. In Lewiston, someone reported a man walking down the street with a knife in his mouth. A moment later, the knife was reported to be in his hand. We don’t know where it went from there. Got a guess? Go ahead and take a stab at it.

Precious metals

So, copper thievery is back in the news. It always makes me wonder if, when caught in the act, the thief is tempted to assert: “You got nothing on me, copper! I’m innocent, see?”

Sunstroke

I apologize for that last piece. Solar flares make me crazy.

DHHS giving away money!

Getting benefits for nothing sounds great and all, but it turns out you have to sit through a three-hour sales pitch for a time share in Boca.