We believe in being kind to fish.

Well. With the occasional exception of haddock, but that’s a column for another time.

Shopping Siren was in the break room a few weeks back when she spied an article in Consumer Reports about reformulated dishwasher detergents, rejiggered for fewer phosphates, making them more water — and water-inhabitant — friendly.

And it got us thinking. The second quarter of the year was nearly at a close and our new quarterly $15 testing allowance had as yet gone unspent. Why not test dishwasher detergent? Why not, just to be wild and crazy, keep all purchases bottom basement, under $4?

Why not RULE THE WORLD? Of course, after the testing is done.

And that’s the anatomy of a shopping column.

So here are our picks and pans for, um, your pots and pans. They’re cheap. They’re (apparently) fish-friendly. And four of the five smell like a lemon grove. (The fifth we can’t describe in a family newspaper.)

Just remember, don’t eat the detergent. It’s been in the news for that, too.

* PowerX Crystal Gel, 30 ounces, Dollar Tree, $1

Price per load: 3 cents

Ease of use: Nice lemony scent, but the liquid was very thin. We could see sloshing this all over the place. 

How clean? Ranging from “Eh” to “Ew.”

We were encouraged by the promise of  a “powerful spot-free formula.” However, Shopping Siren found it worked just OK and Bag Lady was grossed out by the food residue that clung to a plate and the peanut butter that stayed stubbornly stuck on a knife. There’s no savings when you have to wash the same dishes twice. Also, yuck.

* Sunlight OXIaction Power Pacs, 20 pieces, Big Lots, $3.25

Price per load: 16 cents

Ease of use: Plop a power pac into the detergent tray. The only easier way to wash the dishes requires a maid.  

How clean? Not very.

We were lured by the super-strong lemon scent and the bag’s touting of “improved!” and “2X more cleaning ingredients.” We have to stop believing the package. Shopping Siren was dismayed to find her dishes covered in so much residue that they looked coated in a thin film of dust. Bag Lady still had a dirty peanut butter knife. (Always with the peanut butter knives . . . )

Easy to use? Holy cow, yes. Worth it? No way.

* Ajax Dish Packs, 20 pieces, Big Lots, $2.80

Price per load: 14 cents

Ease of use: See power pacs above. Despite the extra letter k in Ajax’s “packs,” they work just the same.

How clean? Not impressively so.

“Dazzling shine every time” the bag promised. Bag Lady didn’t get a chance to check out the results before she had to dash from the house, but Shopping Siren was dazzled not so much. There was no stuck-on food and the residue wasn’t as thick as the Sunlight Power Pacs, but the glasses were still filmy enough that she wasn’t about to drink from them without a good rinse. With soap. And a sponge.

* Pure Pulse Jet Powder, 45 ounces, Big Lots, $2.25

Price per load: 5 cents

Ease of use:  A powder. There’s no spout on the box. And you’re aiming for a dishwasher dispenser cup about the size of a cracker. Draw your own conclusions.

How clean? Sort of.

First impressions ran high. No peanut butter clung to Bag Lady’s utensils, and Shopping Siren’s glassware actually sparkled. (“I thought that only happened in TV commercials!”) Alas, first impressions quickly gave way to second impressions. One of BL’s black spatulas was coated in a white, ghostly film and her juice glasses had sandy bits of residue. The shine on SS’s glasses faded as they dried, only to be replaced by streaks and a thin film. Sigh. Next!

* Sun powder, 20 ounces, Dollar Tree, $1

Price per load: 5 cents

Ease of use:  Spilling is easy. Pouring, not so much.

How clean? Clean!

“For virtually spotless dishwashing” the box promised. Like we haven’t heard that before.

But wait.

No peanut butter on the knives. No disconcerting film on the glasses. No need to wash a second time. Eureka! Cheap and good can co-exist.

Just in time for dinner.

Bag Lady and Shopping Siren’s true identities are protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who are happy to get peanut butter off any dishware for you) and the Customer Service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach them at [email protected] and [email protected].