Within 10 square miles, there are, as we speak, a zillion craft fairs going on.

Each table is staffed by a jolly sort, quick to smile, probably knitting something, and so gifted that they can nimbly shape their children’s/grandchildren’s grilled cheese sandwiches into hearts and adorn pens with pom-pom snowmen with their eyes shut. Er. The crafter’s eyes, not the snowmen’s.

We are not those people, though often we’d like to be. There’s something serene, earthy and admirable about that sort.

Bag Lady and Shopping Siren are crafty in less obvious, arguably less sought-after, and definitely less lucrative ways. Shopping Siren can hang pictures straight and set up a computer printer in less than an hour. Bag Lady can ably remove ticks and sew on pants buttons.

All of which this time of year means bupkis.

Tick removal is not going on or in a Christmas card. (Lo that it did, because we would love to see that Hallmark line: There once was a man named Rick, who found himself saddled with a tick. The tick said, “Good cheer! Hope you have a great year!” Rick sputtered, “Ick, ick, ick.“)

So this week we scoured L-A in an attempt to find crafts that even we could do — ornaments, jewelry, pom-pom creatures with googly eyes. The fewer steps the better.

Surprisingly, the search was pretty easy. Here’s to hoping the crafts will be, too.

* Pepperell Crafts silky Os friendship bracelet kit, Craft-Mania, $4.99

String the 250 colorful beads on the six silicone bracelets and call it craft! It doesn’t get much easier than that. The package even gives you a color cheat sheet so you don’t find yourself gifting your BFF red (energetic) when what you really mean is blue (loyal). Faux pas averted. Phew. (Note: Sign up at the store counter to get on a mailing list for future coupons. Woohoo!)

* Plain & Simple Petaloo Hula Monkey paper doll, Craft-Mania, $5

Color. Draw on clothes. Cover with stickers and/or glitter. Easy-peasy, which is our favorite kind of easy.  

* Unico indented cookie pan, Big Lots, $8

Twelve cookie slots with funky, 3-D shapes, like snowflake, reindeer and snowman. Dollop (presumably one uses sugar cookie dough) and bake — the pan does all the work. Once they’re out of the oven, don’t try getting creative with frosting. Oh, sorry, that’s just Bag Lady’s inner voice. If yours is more supportive, by all means, give it a go.

* Holiday Inspiration Nativity kit, Jo-Ann Fabric, $7.49

The materials list on the box read like the 12 days of Christmas: 22 pom-poms, 10 wiggle eyes, 104 foam shapes. Except, you know, without the clean, numerical ordering. Assemble with craft glue or low-temp glue gun, according to the box. Display as a centerpiece, according to us.

Darling camels and sheep? Rum pom-pom-pom-pom.

* Printed holiday cupcake cups and decorative toothpicks, Jo-Ann Fabric, $1.74

Zero talent needed to coordinate cups and picks because they’re packaged together. Done! The price reflects a sale ending Saturday. After that, the store is offering $5 off purchases of $25 or more and 40 percent off any regular-priced item. (Coupons in fliers at the store.) A sale and a snack. We can see why people like this. 

* Foamies foam ornament kit, Craft-Mania, $1

Santa, snowflake, penguin, reindeer — endless possibilities. Requires moderate gluing. Get it to look like the picture on the package — win! Get it to look sort of sad or wrong — no one is going to say anything! That’s also a win in our book.

* Paint by numbers, assorted sizes and designs, Craft-Mania, $4.99-$19.29

You get paints, you get a brush, you get marching orders. One-quarter of one densely packed aisle was devoted to paint-by-numbers paintings that were as large as 20 by 16 inches. One-quarter of an aisle. That’s, like, 20 more square feet of shelf space than our line of tick greeting cards will ever have.

* Wonka giant gingerbread pal, Big Lots, $5

Package includes an already-baked giant gingerbread cookie, two rolls of SweetTarts, one small box of Nerds and one tube each of white, green and red icing. As long as most of the candy and icing get on the cookie, we’ll call it good. Also, mmm, Nerds. 

Best find: Monkeykins jointed wooden monkey key chain, Craft-Mania, $3.99

Use nearby Art Advantage acrylics (six tubes for $2.99) to paint it one color or many, whatever the monkey tells you.

Think twice: Walnut Hollow kid’s creative wood-burning kit, Craft-Mania, $22.99

Kit includes two wood plaques, 10 patterns, number and letter sets, transfer paper and a 750-degree wood-burning pen. It’s the pen that troubles us. This craft not only requires a steady hand, but also uses heat stronger than that of an oven. Only bad can come from this. So stick with the non-scary crafts and have a happy holiday.

Or at least one free of craft frustration. 

Bag Lady and Shopping Siren’s true identities are protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who appreciate both a good tick removal and a giant gingerbread cookie) and the Customer Service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach them at baglady@sunjournal.com and shoppingsiren@sunjournal.com.

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