Kindred soles?

The worst punster ever? Maybe boot. Er, both.

Bag Lady can be talking about none other, of course, than the gent behind L.L.Bean. His Freeport store is a Maine institution, like red hot dogs and pier fries, though mostly less edible. This time of year it’s hopping and with online deals too sweet to resist (free shipping! Spend $50 and earn a $10 gift card!), I settled in for an evening of e-tailing with one caveat: made-in-the-USA items only.

That search a few weeks ago pulled up 721 listings. That search on Wednesday pulled up 669. Either way, it’s A LOT, including many, many, many boots, socks and dog beds. One might say an inordinate number, but then it can’t be all moose callers.

Gnnnnurrrrr!*

* Moose for, “Let’s get to it!”

* Therapeutic dog couch, $119-$309

For the dobermans, one of whom is old and grumpy and another just sometimes grumpy.

Bag Lady initially scoffed at the price — $309? — but this couch has an average 4.5 out of 5 consumer stars in 127 reviews. Maybe the dobs will leave a little room for me to give it a test.

* Rangeley bed, $299

For camp.

Made in Maine! And about as simple as simple can be while still, technically, sleeping off the ground. No need for a wussy box spring, according to the write-up. (Which makes pains not to use “wussy.”) Also, you assemble it yourself.* (*See aforementioned lack of wuss.)

* 100th Anniversary Trout Knife, $49

For gramps.

With a sheath! And a belt loop! Because you never know when trout will strike.

* Men’s Allagash Bison Leather Belt with Ornament, $49.95

For gramps again. He’s totally making out.

With affixed silver fish. Pair with the trout knife, of course.

* Rolla Roaster Hot Dog Forks, set of two, $15.95

For anyone with a mouth.

Ha, ha! Rolla Roaster. Top with ketchup and slide between a warm pun.

* New England Shirt Company plaid shirt, $105

For anyone on your list with a torso.

I want to like this shirt, badly. It’s made in Massachusetts, which is great. It’s also an Oxford for $105. Quick, avert your eyes. My cheap side is smacking up against my regional pride.

* Quaker Boy Moose Mate Call, $14.95

For the family-party gag gift.

Comes with a funnel to call through and a cassette tape titled “Moose Mate” to learn the calls. Um, a cassette tape? Even the moose is scoffing.

Best find: Peet Boot Dryer, $49.95

For everyone! Or at least Bag Lady.

Um, genius! From the description: “Uses thermal convection to safely and silently dry soggy footwear overnight.” Why doesn’t every Maine entryway come standard with these?

Think twice: Hammock table, $69

It’s a teeny, tiny triangular whiff of a table that pokes into the ground next to one’s hammock. Very Thurston Howell III.

Gnurrrffff*

*The moose says, “Outfit your family with Rolla Roasters instead.”

Bag Lady’s true identity is protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who mildly dispute grumpy accusations) and the Customer Service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach her at baglady@sunjournal.com.

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