CLANG, DING, CLANG

On Tuesday, a woman called police to report someone was stealing her wind chimes. That’s no easy feat, chime thievery. You might as well try swiping a steel drum full of ball bearings, it makes so much noise. And I know what I’m talking about, too, after the incident of ’97. Fortunately, it was all a big misunderstanding. The so-called thief wasn’t stealing the wind chimes, he was hanging them up. Apparently, the lady who called police had forgotten that April 16 is the day the Chime Fairy comes, spreading joy to all with its soothing tinkle. Happy Chime Day, everyone! Please remember to tinkle safely.

That one looks like a boob

On Thursday, we got a call from a woman inviting us to check out the “really weird clouds” hanging over Lewiston. At the time of this call, I was writing about the dangers of synthetic marijuana. Coincidence? Beats me. But I did go out to take a look at the clouds up there and all I could deduce was that every one of them looked like me. You know, same as every day.

Splish, splash

Holy quack, I stand corrected! I just saw a cloud that looks exactly like my old rubber ducky! Willard! Is it really you?

Cry wolf

Stupid Internet. Sometime in the last week or so, somebody posted a photo, on Facebook, of a man standing next to a very large and very dead canine described as a rare white wolf weighing in at 210 pounds. The beast was shot, the Facebook enthusiast said, in Buckfield. RIGHT HERE IN MAINE! WHICH MEANS WE’RE ALL GOING TO BE EATEN! But, you probably know how this turned out. The big, bad wolf photo turned out to be a hoax, something that may have started in Idaho (you can never, ever trust Idaho) more than a year ago. And it’s a sad day for all of us because, to the best of my knowledge, this marks the very first time the Internet has provided false information. Everything else, including the fact that Facebook is going to start charging and that boycotting certain gas stations will bring fuel prices down, is absolutely true. Also, if you don’t pass along Facebook chain mail, someone will die.

I think I just lost my innocence

So, a flock of ne’er-do-well birds, probably whacked out of their tiny minds on some exotic seed, committed a brutal home invasion against the doves who nest in my backyard. I couldn’t be more furious. Not only is the Internet not the bastion of truth I thought it was, but now you can’t even trust wildlife to behave? The world has gone mad.

Boston!

What happened at the marathon is obviously horrific and I shan’t say much about it. But seriously, talk about poking the wrong bruin. Boston is a rough and tumble city full of friendly people who nonetheless know a thing or two about the timeless art of whoop ass. It’s a terrible place to pick a fight (ask Ulf Samuelsson), and you get the feeling that someone is about to discover that in a painful way. (See? What I tell you?) Boston, as always, will do what needs to be done.