Stroking the ivories

You may have heard by now that I’ve been taking piano lessons. This is correct. I’ve had but one lesson so far and yet I feel that I’m ready to perform live in Railroad Park. Please join me (by which I mean write checks in my name) for a rousing rendition of “Romeo and Juliet’s Theme” followed by three hours of “Fur Elise” played on two fingers until my hands get tired or until somebody shoots me.

Musical genius

The only other instruments I’ve ever attempted to play were the guitar, which got mysteriously smashed to splinters, and the harmonica, which I thought I played pretty well. Unfortunately, others did not feel the same. There was an unfortunate incident after which the harmonica had to be surgically removed from my body. Clearly, those people were intimidated by my brilliance.

Oh, shoot

Thanks to a bunch of lily-livered lawmakers, school teachers will not be allowed – nay required – to carry guns in the classroom. This is disappointing. Clearly, guns are the only things that will make the lunch ladies step up their game. With the threat of a heinie-capping, Tuesday’s questionable meatloaf is suddenly upgraded to prime rib au jus.

Oh, shoot II

And if you’re going to bring an apple for the teacher, anyway, you might as well have some fun by letting her shoot it off the top of your head with a sweet Martin Riggs behind-the-back shot.

Face, bead, fab, caged . . .

If you want to absolutely master the piano as I have, here’s a tip for you: Take a look at the notes – CDE, FGAB – and see how many dirty words you can make out of them. Get back to me when you’re done. I was only able to come up with one word and it wasn’t even that dirty.

Under the Dome

Can’t wait for Stephen King’s latest to hit the small screen. I’m halfway through the book and I’ll be damned if King isn’t describing Turner/Greene.

Outrage!

And speaking of TV, they cancelled “Don’t Trust the B in Apartment 23.” Meanwhile, Charlie Sheen’s vomit puddle of a new show stays on the air. Does “Anger Management” have James Van Der Beek? Nossir, it does not. I couldn’t be more upset. I’m fanning myself as we speak. It’s pretty manly.

A tale of two governors

Former Gov. Angus King came to Lewiston and stayed for a spell. He walked the downtown streets. He talked to people and poked around the three fire sites. For an hour or so, Lewiston’s downtown had the senator’s attention. Flashback to last week, when Gov. Paul LePage stopped in to nod solemnly at a street corner before blowing off this clambake. If it seems like LePage’s visit was cursory, it’s probably because he’s like our local Magic Man, who can be in two places at the same time. Yes, that’s probably it.

Motley Crue rocks Bangor!

Proving once and for all that jokes about Tommy Lee’s legendary third drumstick are still funny.