Bag Lady and Shopping Siren have never, ever wondered what Beyonce, Jessica Simpson or a single Kardashian smells like.

And yet, facing a display of pretty bottles bearing liquids of various, vivid colors, it’s hard not to sniff.

(Spoiler alert: The trio turn out to be mostly airy-sweet and more than a little alchoholy. Which makes a certain kind of sense.) 

Smelling like a celeb not your thing? There’s always the alleged fragrance of the woods at twilight. The scent of cashmere. Or the essence of mimosas. We’re not sure what kind of guy you might attract with that particular combination — a metrosexual stalker with a healthy vitamin D intake and a ghillie suit, maybe? — so you should be careful. Smell responsibly.

With spring officially here but not yet in the air, we went looking for a scent we could happily sniff, whiff and live with while shoveling out from yet another snowstorm. Or having an evening out, which, sadly, happens less frequently than snow. 

Light and citrusy? Warm and rich? Something from the Playboy collection?

We rated them on a scale of 1 to 5 — 1 being “People on the bus will flee” and five being “Ooh, girl!” 

We always aim for “Ooh, girl!” when shoveling snow.

* Twilight Woods perfume, 2.5 ounces, Bath and Body Works, $34.50

Score: 3

A little musky, a little sweet. Very eh. You probably won’t offend anyone. So there’s that. 

* Cashmere Glow fragrance mist, 8 ounces, Bath and Body Works, $14

Score: 3

Not sure what makes cashmere glow — radioactivity? — but we know what will make cashmere smell. This. Light, with a hint of vanilla, it’s not bad. It’s not particularly good, but it’s not bad. 

* Cautious perfume, 2.5 ounces, Dollar Tree, $1

Score: 2

The box says to compare it to Britney Spears’ Curious. Unfortunately, it smelled very generic dollar store floral. Which means you saved money, but no one is happy about it.

Bonus shout-out: To the at-home marijuana-use test-kit we spotted on our search for perfume (um, what?). And to the man who was bleeding profusely from the hand while in line buying Band-Aids and to the unruffled clerk who opened the box of Band-Aids without a word and handed him one before giving him his change. Like a Dollar Tree Florence Nightingale.

* Coconut Lime Breeze fragrance mist, 8 ounces, Bath and Body Works, $14 

Score: 4

One of our favorites. Very lime-y with a hint of … lime. Like a frozen cocktail brought to you by an adorable cabana boy as you lounge on a warm, sun-drenched beach. Sigh

* White Citrus fragrance mist, 8 ounces, Bath and Body Works, $14

Score: 1

Like a glass of lemonade brought to you by a harried diner waitress who forgot to put sugar in it because she was rushing to get home before the next snowstorm. Sigh.

* Beyonce’s Heat Rush sparkling body mist, 4.2 ounces, Kmart, $8.69 

Score: 3

We’re not keen on the sparkles — that’s probably best reserved for the 14-and-under set. This had an unexpected eau-de-cotton-candy whiff that we would not have expected of Beyonce. Uh, whatever that says about us.

* Unbreakable Bond by Khloe and Lamar body spray, 8 ounces, Kmart, $7.99

Score: 3

Mildly pleasant, but, er, they’ve divorced. Unbreakable Bond it’s not. Time for a recall.

Bonus shout-out: To the Snooki body mist on the same shelf that was sold out. Really.

* Playboy Play It Lovely perfume, 1 ounce, Kmart, $10.99

Score: 2

Not initially offensive, with a slight rubbing-alcohol after-smell. Surely, that’s what the folks in the bunny mansion were going for.

* Halle Berry’s Mimosa Essence radiant body mist, 8 ounces, Kmart, $8.69

Score: 5

Light, lovely and sophisticated without being stuffy. We both said we would actually wear this. High praise, indeed.

Best find: Nola lemon verbena finest perfumed bath and shower gel, 13.5 ounces, Dollar Tree, $1 

Score: 5

Not an official perfume, but this shower gel was a winner. Lemon scent that wasn’t overpowering or cloying, just fresh and light. Lather, gently rinse, repeat.

Think twice: Warm Vanilla Sugar fragrance mist, 8 ounces, Bath and Body Works, $14

Score: 1

You will smell like a candle. And not in a pleasing, “Happy Birthday!” kind of way.

Bag Lady and Shopping Siren’s true identities are protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who want to know what everyone smells like all the time) and the Customer Service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach them at [email protected] and [email protected].

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