Here’s looking at you

What the heck is a “Selfie Stick” and how can I avoid poking my eye out with one? Whatever they are, they’re all the rage right now. Everywhere you look is a photo taken with a Selfie Stick. If you had told me 20 years ago that one day everyone would be walking around with something called a Selfie Stick in his pocket, I would have assumed you were telling me a dirty joke. You’re sick!

Lewiston High to get Chromebooks

And what the heck is a Chromebook? I think people are just making up words now. I’m going to go out and get me a SilverfishPod. So, yeah. Your move.

Aches and congestion

Is it me? Or has traffic between Lewiston and Auburn become thicker, slower and more annoying in recent weeks? The other day, I saw a woman drive onto the Longley Bridge with an infant child in the back seat. By the time she got to the other side, the kid was a wrinkly old man with a cane and high-water pants. True story.

School’s out

It’s sad that this doesn’t affect my life in any way, because the end of the school season was once the most exciting thing in the world. I wonder if kids still spend the last day mostly cleaning out their desks and goofing off. I wonder if they still sing the Alice Cooper classic, inserting their own filthy and hysterical lyrics where called for. I wonder if anyone ever discovered that bit of last-day-of-school wit I scrawled on the underside of my desk back at Brookside Elementary in Waterville. I’m sorry, but Miss Jones was hot!

Wait a minute

If school’s out, why am I still stopping for school buses? Where are they going? Who are all those kids? This is all going in my report, which I keep close at hand on my SilverfishPod v. 2.0.

I.P Freely

On Wednesday, a police dispatcher reported that a Lewiston man had been spotted urinating at the side of the road with his “manhood” exposed. I ask you, is there any other way to urinate by the roadside? Because I could really use an alternate method on long trips.

Escape from New York

Two convicted killers are on the loose and the warnings issued by police have taken on B horror movie tones. Lock your doors! Bolt your windows! Won’t stick to most dental work! Sorry. My inner horror movie has commercials.

Don’t worry, bee happy

On Saturday, June 6, I experienced the first bee of the season to get trapped inside my motorcycle helmet. I reacted with uncharacteristic calm and poise. It’s been a weird week all around.