These are treacherous times.

You’re meeting your girlfriend’s parents for the first time. You’re crazy about the lass and want to marry her, but you’ll have to get by Daddy, first.

“So,” the old man says, the very moment you get settled in at the dinner table. “This has been some crazy election, hasn’t it?”

Danger Will Robinson! This is almost certainly a trap. Your very future may hinge on how you answer this delicate question. Express conservative leanings to this democratic dad and you could be cast out of the family forever. Lean liberal before a lifelong Republican and you might as well update your e-Harmony profile, because you’ll never see this girl again.

What’s to be done? In an election that’s been about as amiable as the bear-salmon relationship, there’s no such thing as spirited debate or friendly disagreements. It’s been unceasing ugliness for a solid year and now that it’s over? Whoo, boy! The butt hurt is going to be strong in roughly half the population, so any discussion of politics at all comes with the risk of rage and rancor.

Evasion, my friend. It’s your only hope. Evade, avoid, elude and if necessary, dazzle and confuse. You must become like the wily meerkat in the shadow of the hyena. When the overprotective papa of your favorite girl tries to steer you toward the political firing range, you duck and you cover.

When your friendly family urologist broaches the subject smack dab in the middle of your vasectomy, you change the subject as though your most delicate parts are on the line. Because they are.

The very moment your future dad-in-law/vasectomist tries to lure you in, you veer off onto a course of conversation so unrelated that even the most imaginative of minds could not link to the political sinkhole that is the 2016 presidential race.

“The Walking Dead,” for instance. Start screaming about Negan’s bat and flying brain matter before Daddy can finish his sentence – he’ll come to the conclusion that you’re demented and insane, sure, but at least he won’t label you a left-wing loser.

Start prattling on about an embarrassing medical affliction – a carbuncle that took an hour to drain, perhaps, or a mysterious groin rash that sort of looks like Negan’s bat – and watch the old man stop talking altogether as he runs off for an antacid.

At the first sign of trouble, start unbuckling your belt and say something cryptic, such as, “You ever seen what an alien probe really looks like?”

As soon as you hear the words “Trump” or “Hillary” or “rigged,” stand up, slam both fists down on the table and shriek: “This rain is going to ruin the rhubarb!”

As usual, some of our demented and possibly insane readers have helpful conversation switchers, as well.

• Priscilla suggests: “Which is better, yellow or green split peas for soup?” Let the meddlesome old man mull on THAT for the remainder of the night.

• Dana says, “The things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.” Dana is getting an A for the day.

• Phil says, “Kerfuffles!” We don’t know what that means. Perfect!

• Steve says: ” If a fly loses its wings does it become a walk?” We’re going to be thinking about that all damn night.

• Sandy recommends: “Is Hamburger Helper good all by itself?”

• Jim asks: “Why is there no standard in automotive design for which side of the vehicle the gas cap is on?”

• Melanie says: “We can always just talk about booze. I can write a dissertation on my love affair with pinot.”

• Joe: “What about six-pack rings?”

• Jonathan: “How about the variation in bottle cap designs and the merits of each.”

• Heather says: “Once we all evolve into beings made of pure energy, none of this will matter.” We’re all a little bit afraid of Heather.

• Advises Scott: “I’d recommend the process of self-removal of unsightly skin tags.”

With all of these helpful hints in mind, you should be able to duck out of political discourse with even the most ardent conversationalist.

You’re welcome.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I really need to have something done about this carbuncle. I’ll call you when I’m done so we can talk about it.

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