The can. The loo. The facilities. The throne. By any name, the humble toilet is actually a marvel of efficiency and good health. And, depending on your wallet, far from humble.

Frankly, I don’t know how any of us are getting along without the K-3901 Numi toilet.

Going to the bathroom without ambient lighting and Bluetooth music? Sitting down with absolutely nothing to warm our butts and feet? What are we, primitives?

The Numi offers all of that, plus advanced bidet functionality with remote control, self-cleaning wand and precision air-drying. Admit it, you want that. You NEED that. And if you order now, you can have it for the low, low price of $6,000.

“I can have that to you in one day,” says Pat Bolduc, showroom manager at Ferguson Plumbing in Lewiston.

You’re welcome. Now grab your Squatty Potty and let’s get the lowdown on toilets.

TALE OF THE HEAD 

My friends, World Toilet Day was yesterday, Nov. 19. Do you even have your tree yet? Have you decorated your house and sent out your cards?

It may not be as big as Christmas, but there are some folks who take toilets seriously. The day is actually meant to raise awareness: 2.4 billion — that’s billion — people live without toilets in the world, and have to deal with the very serious problems that creates. (See related story.)

Fortunately, in many countries like ours, that is not as big of an issue. But there are still people who take toilets very seriously. Like the folks at Ferguson. While the Numi toilet isn’t exactly flying off the shelves, there ARE some people who care enough about their behinds (and the behinds of their guests) to give this Mercedes Benz of johns a second look: As of this writing, Bolduc was working with a shopper who is interested in purchasing not one but THREE Numi toilets. For his camp.

Now this is a gentleman who takes his potty seriously. And who can blame him? We’re talking about a device with motion-activated cover and seat. We’re talking about a bidet with adjustable water pressure and temperature to meet the precise demands of your backside.

My friends, how can we possibly relieve ourselves ever again in toilets that don’t have illuminated panels with different colors for every day of the week?

When I first walked into the Ferguson showroom, I figured I was already advanced in the toilet department. A few years ago, my wife and I shelled out a few extra bucks for one of those fancy cans with a slow-closing lid.

A slow-closing lid! I tell you, that baby was life-changing, and I bragged about it almost immediately when I met Bolduc for the first time.

“So, you think you’re pretty up to date, huh?” he said.

It turns out slow-closing lids are pretty much old news – everybody has one of those. These days it’s all about Bluetooth capabilities, heated seats, height adjustments and mood lighting for those middle-of-the-night calls of nature.

The lighted seat isn’t just about finding your way in the wee hours, by the way.

“It illuminates the bowl in a soft blue light,” Bolduc explained, “so it doesn’t stimulate you back awake.”

The Numi is so prized, the Kohler catalog features amorous couples getting romantic in its presence. In one ad, a well-dressed couple gazes upon the city through huge glass walls from their high-rise apartment while the Numi squats between them. The good people of Kohler apparently believe that nothing sets the mood like the K-3901.

POTTY LIKE . . . YOU OWN THE $10,000 TOTO NEOREST 750H

It’s not the only top-of-the-line loo out there, though. The Veil dual flush toilet ain’t exactly dog meat. Also from Kohler, this one also has the heated seats, the motion activated lid and the bidet functionality, with front and rear wash modes and warm air drying.

Selling at right around $4,000, the Veil catalog description makes one wonder if you’re supposed to put it in your bathroom or propose marriage to it.

“With its flowing and immaculately balanced curves, the Veil one-piece toilet with integrated cleansing functionality epitomizes minimalist and ergonomic design. Its sculpted core provides a suite of precision features finely tuned to offer optimum hygiene and ultimate individual comfort, from personal cleansing to an LED nightlight to hands-free opening and closing. All of the features are easy to control on a touchscreen LCD remote control.”

To those of us on tight budgets, this talk of toilets with more features than some cars just smacks of wretched excess. But some people walk into the Ferguson showroom with very specific needs and wants.

“At this point,” Bolduc said, “I know way too much about what people like to do in their bathrooms.”

When it comes to toilet shopping, both men and women show an active interest in improving their bathroom lives, Bolduc said. For some, the more bells and whistles the better. For others, it’s all about the flush – you can take the fanciest toilet in the world, but if it doesn’t flush with enough force to practically rip the shirt off your back, it’s not doing its job.

Bolduc can steer you fans of the forceful flush in the right direction, as well. Behold the American Standard toilet line with VorMax technology.

“That,” says Bolduc, “is the best flushing toilet on the market.”

The people of American Standard think so, anyway. The tone of their VorMax web page is decidedly boastful, and they back up those boasts with videos demonstrating how clean one can get a toilet with the help of a monster flush.

“With a flush that cleans that well,” according to the American Standard literature, “you can say goodbye to skidmarks, streaks and splatter for good.”

Al Bundy would definitely approve of this one. 

And then there’s the Toto Neorest 750H, which likewise has impressive flushing and cleaning power. Tornado/Jet Flushing System, they call it. It also uses an ultraviolet light and special glaze to more easily break down dirt and grime in the bowl, rinsing it clean with electrolyzed water – no really.

Sadly, Al Bundy can’t afford this one. The list price? Just over $10,000.

SKIP TO MY LOO

Of course, you don’t have to spend thousands of dollars to get a toilet that will make your neighbors burn with envy. There are some cool options available for a few hundred dollars or less.

How about a wall-mounted toilet?

“Those are a little more modern,” says Bolduc. “They’re easier to wipe underneath.”

We assume he’s talking about cleaning the fixture there, not . . . you know.

There are water-saving toilets, hands-free toilets, toilets with filters and fans to help eliminate odors, and electronic toilets with emergency flush to make sure you can keep on flushing in the event of a power outage.

Fantastic options, all, and ones that won’t break the budget. Responsible. Practical. Affordable.

Of course, it IS World Toilet Day. Who could blame you for going all in and shelling out six grand for the stainless steel Neo-Comby, a toilet so versatile, it would blend in beautifully whether in a prison or in a castle.

When the toilet’s marketers describe this gleaming beauty, you can’t help but picture it sashaying down a catwalk to gasps and cheers of admirers.

“This innovative piece includes a toilet with an elongate bowl, a D-shaped basin, side cabinet with shelves, compartment for toilet paper, and a convenient towel rail,” the literature gushes, in what we imagine is a breathless tone. “The all-in-one functionality of the Neo-Comby Toilet makes it an ideal choice for bathrooms with limited space or commercial settings. Select your preferred finish and toilet positioning to complete your bath update.”

This bad boy is both a toilet AND a basin – the product literature is quick to point out that they use different water inlets for these functions.

The Neo-Comby has a metal cabinet, a towel rack and a built-in compartment to stash your toilet paper. It’s lean, easy-to-clean and you can get it in specialty colors, including blueberry or tangerine dream.

Are you as turned on as I am right now? It’s all I can do to keep my credit card in my pocket.

Bottomline? When it comes to the finer points of toilets, I really didn’t know squat. Fortunately, an international event came along and changed all that, which just goes to show that everything comes out in the end.

Why a toilet is also called the ‘john’? (and bonus slang terms!)

It depends on who you ask. Most sources seem to believe the term honors Sir John Harrington, an English courtier, author and translator who is credited with inventing the flush toilet at the end of the 1500s.

What? You say it has nothing to do with Thomas Crapper, who made the toilet what it is today? Hey, we’re just reporting what we’ve learned. For a website dedicated to the controversy, visit johnojohn.com

Need more than that? Here are some additional slang terms for the toilet:

The can

The potty

The hopper

The loo

The abode

The facilities

The head

The crapper

The throne

The porcelain altar

The lavatory

The privy

The latrine 

The netty

The jacks

The bog

— Mark LaFlamme, Staff Writer

Toilet alternatives

So you’ve got a camper, trailer or bug-out location with no access to plumbing. Clearly the usual toilets won’t work for you, so does that mean it’s back to squatting in the bushes with a handful of leaves?

Don’t get bound up over it, my friend. Alternatives are out there.

Composting toilets: People who use these report that they are neat, odor free, quiet and super efficient. They’re not cheap: An average composting toilet costs a thousand dollars or more. How do they work?

According to letsgogreen.com: “Use the natural processes of decomposition and evaporation to recycle human waste. Waste entering the toilets is over 90 percent water, which is evaporated and carried back to the atmosphere through the vent system. The small amount of remaining solid material is converted to useful fertilizing soil by natural decomposition.

“This natural process, essentially the same as in your garden composter, is enhanced in commercial composting toilets by manipulating the environment in the composting chamber.

“The correct balance between oxygen, moisture, heat and organic material is needed to ensure a rich environment for the aerobic bacteria that transform the waste into fertilizing soil. This ensures odor-free operation and complete decomposition of waste.” 

Chemical toilet: These no-frills toilets collect human waste in a holding tank and use chemicals to minimize odors. These toilets are typically self-contained and portable. A chemical toilet is structured around a relatively small tank, which needs to be emptied frequently. Not as elegant as the Numi and not as neat as the composting toilet, but it beats a bucket and kitty litter (see below.)

Chemical toilets range from simple to almost lavish. Check the camping section at your favorite outdoor store. Expect to spend close to a hundred bucks, although simple ones can be found for around $60. Or you could buy used – reformed campers and hikers regularly sell these things on the swap sites.

Luggable Loo: Extremely popular with campers, this less-than-$20 toilet is literally a bucket with a toilet seat. Fill it with kitty litter or a specially designed bag (do NOT cheap out on the bag, bro) and you’re good to go. Of course, you could take the cheap way out as I did. Two-dollar bucket from Home Depot and a pool noodle from the local dollar store with which to craft a seat. You’re in and out for three bucks. Plus whatever amount you’re going to pay some kid to empty the thing. Chemicals or not, that’s not fun work.

— Mark LaFlamme, Staff Writer

Readers offer the poop on toilet etiquette

When it comes to toilet etiquette, people can be . . . oh, let’s say . . . passionate.

Some go poetic, some yell and use a lot of exclamation points, while others offer up bathroom tips you might never have thought about. Eye contact? Really?

The toilet seat debate alone has been known to wreck marriages. Add in the controversy over whether the toilet paper should feed over or under and you’ve got the makings of an all-out riot.

Here are some toilet etiquette tips from our readers in no particular order. We apologize for all the yelling.

“Put the seat back down.”

— Robin Graziano, Lewiston

“Never. How about you gals put it up once in a while.”

— Bill Lepack, Livermore

“Seat and lid back down. Closing the lid prevents the majority of the odor by allowing the toilet to do the job it was designed to do and draw it down through the water and pipes.”

— Jimi Cutting, Lewiston

“If anyone runs out of TP, it’s the person in the next stall’s responsibility to roll another under the stall no questions asked.”

— Marsha Thibodeau-Willett, Smyrna Mills

“Flush!”

— Jeanne Gagne, Winthrop

“Don’t use the urinal right next to someone else unless no other options are available, up to and including the handicapped stall.”

— Mike Brown, Winthrop

“Bring matches.”

— Gary Bernier, Lewiston

“There are two rules. 1: Ladies, please remain seated during the entire performance. 2: Gentlemen, please stand close, as it maybe shorter than you think.”

— Sandy Cullinan, Norway

“Wash your hands!”

— Laureen Christensen, Auburn

“Clean up the crumbs after eating your sandwich, remove your coffee cup off the edge of the tub and spray so the kids don’t smell the smoke.”

— Lisa Brewer, Lewiston

“Urinals: Always eyes forward, even when conversing.”

— Ed Hill, Lewiston

“No video taping while you’re standing at the urinal next to another person. This really happened to a friend of mine.”

— Dan Cunliffe II, Minot

“Never make eye contact . . . even if spoken to.”

— Michael Hanson, Lewiston

“Always flush, replace toilet paper and spray to cover stink, and put seat down for the ladies.”

— John Wood, Turner

“If you pee on the seat, wipe it up!!!”

— Mary Graziano Richard, Lisbon

“Don’t stay in there long enough to read the entire encyclopedia.”

— C.J. Tolini, Sabattus

“When you hear a knock at the stall door, always say ‘Come in.’ They’ll leave pretty damn quick!”

— Marty Duval, Mechanic Falls

“If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and clean the seatie.”

 — Wendy Lee Hutchins, Andover

“No food in the bathroom.”

— Tony Morin, Lewiston

“Don’t use it while someone else is.”

— Maureen A. Murphy, Mexico

“Close the door!”

— Lisa Mossburg Bridges, Lisbon

“If you make any kind of mess, clean it up. But most importantly WASH YOUR DAMN HANDS AND TEACH YOUR CHILDREN TO DO IT TOO!!! Thank you.”

— Diane Fuller, Lewiston

“Toilet paper goes over!!!!”

— Tamara Willette, Winslow

“And ONLY over, dammit!”

— Gerald Burpee

“Poop at your own house.”

— Kim Shafer Rundstrom, Lewiston

“Don’t pee on the seat.”

— Carol Guyton, Lewiston

“Keep the grunting to a minimum. Courtesy flush.”

— Sally Townsend Theriault, Rumford

“CLEAN YOUR MESS, WIPE THE FLOOR AND SEAT, SPRAY, AND WASH YOUR HANDS!”

— Dave Marquis, Lewiston

“I work in a bar and the men’s room takes twice as long to clean. Apparently women have perfected aiming . . . pee, puke and paper towels.”

— Lisa Brewer, Lewiston

The serious mission behind World Toilet Day

In spite of the comedic potential of the humble john, World Toilet Day is actually a somber affair. According to the United Nations:

World Toilet Day is about taking action to reach the 2.4 billion people living without a toilet and, therefore, without adequate sanitary conditions.

The theme of World Toilet Day 2016 is “toilets and jobs,” focusing on how sanitation, or the lack of it, can impact people’s livelihoods.

Sanitation is a global development priority. The UN’s Sustainable Development Goals, launched in 2015, include a target to ensure everyone everywhere has access to toilets by 2030.

Toilets play a crucial role in creating a strong economy, as well as improving health and protecting people’s safety and dignity, particularly women’s and girls’, advocates say.

The UN and its partners are getting the message out that toilets save lives, increase productivity, create jobs and grow economies.

To take action, join the (no pun intended) global movement or get more facts, go to www.worldtoiletday.info

Facts:

* 2.4 billion people live without improved sanitation, according to the World Health Organization and UNICEF.

* One in 10 people has no choice but to defecate in the open, according to WHO/UNICEF.

* Diarrhea caused by poor sanitation and unsafe water kills 315,000 children every year, according to the group WASHwatch.

* Disease transmission at work mostly caused by poor sanitation and hygiene practices causes 17 percent of all workplace deaths worldwide, according to the International Labour Organization.

* Loss of productivity due to illnesses caused by lack of sanitation and poor hygiene practices is estimated to cost many countries up to 5 percent of their gross domestic product, according to Hutton.

— Mark LaFlamme, Staff Writer

Toilet terror: Beware the bubble

Public bathrooms got you down? It could be worse. Ron LaBerge of Sabattus tells us how, with this dinnertime toilet tale. Bon appetit!

“A few years ago, I was having an evening dinner with a colleague in Farmington. Just before dinner was served I decided that I needed to use the restroom, which was located in the lounge area on the second floor of the restaurant. I entered the single-patron restroom and went about my business.

“I happened to look down into the toilet and I saw a small bubble in the bottom. All of sudden the bubble started to grow into the bubble from hell! Where are Sam and Dean Winchester when you need them! Then in a matter of seconds the bubble consumed the entire area of the toilet and KA-BOOM! It exploded! I was drenched from head to toe.

“After trying to dry off, I walked out of the restroom into the lounge. Every eye in the lounge was looking at me. I took two steps and the entire lounge broke into laughter. I entered the dining room with the diners focused on my every move. I sat down and acted as if nothing had happened, with my colleague staring at me. She said that there had been a loud explosion from upstairs which rattled everyone at dinner. She asked if I knew what it was. I told her what happened.

“After a look of ‘what are you talking about’ she burst into uncontrolled laughter along with the dinner patrons. The manager of the restaurant then arrived at our table and told me that they had problems throughout the day with air in the pipes. It must have been some type of air backup. I thought that I would at least get a free meal but it was not to be. No wonder that the restaurant went out of business.”