Swindled!
I was cruising around the city the other day and couldn’t help but notice that Dirigo Federal Credit Union on Main Street is gone. My money! You cads! Lure me in with promises of generous interest rates for my big Sun Journal bucks and then flee in the middle of the night with my riches. Welp, live and learn. That dough is gone forever, I reckon, and now I’m back to burying my money in the backyard.

Keep Out!
Just kidding about that. The good people at Dirigo are putting up a new building to protect my millions. Still, don’t go snooping around my backyard. My wife is really protective of her cucumbers. Boy, did I learn THAT the hard way.

Ticket to Slide!
While covering an event at Bates College Wednesday night, I got my first parking ticket in maybe 15 or 20 years. “Not in a parking space,” the ticket claims. Frankly, I think the Costellos should pay this fine. I know they don’t own the paper anymore, but still. I don’t know the new guy at all, so come on. Help a brother out.

Ice out at Lake Auburn!
Why is this not yet a national holiday? We could have barbecues, parades and fireworks to celebrate and everyone would walk around in Ice Out hats (patent pending) to commemorate the momentous occasion. Don’t forget to hang your Ice Out stocking at night so that Lake Auburn Santa can fill it with loot!

Ruh Roh!
What do you suppose Lake Auburn Santa would look like? I’m picturing one of those green, seaweed-haired swamp creatures from the Scooby Doo cartoons. On second thought, maybe I’ll skip the Ice Out stocking ritual this year. Who wants THAT crawling down your chimney?

‘Jeopardy!’
So some brainiac has won a million bucks by answering a bunch of questions on a game show. What’s the big deal? I often get all the questions right on “Jeopardy.” You know, if it’s a rerun. (It would be awesome if that were true, but no. I could watch the same episode for a week straight and I’d still stink. I tend to think that the answer to every question is going to be “who is George C. Scott” for some reason.)

Bloodsucking kissing bugs!
This is a real thing, apparently. They crawl on you while you’re sleeping and poop on your face. Nice, right? With these suckers and deer ticks on the prowl, who dares to go outside? When I was a kid, all we had to worry about was dragonflies – those suckers will sew your lips shut if you swear, you know. Happened to a kid I know.

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