Andrea Bonior

Dr. Andrea Bonior
Special to The Washington Post

Q. I am a 24-year-old gay man navigating the dating scene for the first time (late bloomer), seeing a guy for a few months that I really like and things seem to be going well. But I have heard from his friends that I am not his usual “type” — said in a positive way about having a deeper connection. I have asked him about it and he shrugs it off. But now I worry they mean I am not as attractive as his exes or not hot enough to date him.

A: It is interesting that you jumped directly to not feeling attractive enough, when in reality his friends are just saying that you don’t fit a certain mold. Granted, perhaps that mold was one of an underwear model, but even an attractive mold can grow stale and unappealing. I am wondering why you are so quick to assume that being different means falling short, when they are referring to a deeper connection: a positive thing that ranks you higher than his exes. You may well be smarter, funnier, more interesting or more aware of current events beyond celebrity Instagram feeds than his exes were. So, is this just the self-consciousness of being a “late bloomer”? Or is there something else in the guy you are seeing — or his friends — that makes you feel insecure? Do some digging.

Dr. Andrea Bonior is a licensed clinical psychologist.


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