We just got back from a strange vacation. We experienced thunderstorms more severe than I have seen in decades. We had joyful playtime with the wee one and napped. I baked cookies and made salads, including, of course, potato salad. In the end, getting home took two extra days. Everything we’re reading or hearing about scheduling issues with flying is all true.

Three days into our ten-day vacation, my sister passed away.

I need to switch gears this week and talk about my sister’s passing. We weren’t “sister-friends,” although I cared for her several times throughout her lifetime. She was eight years older and never in the best of health. Every life matters no matter how long it exists or how.

What immediately fell on my plate was making cemetery arrangements for her ashes. She told only one of the sons of her wishes. She made no funeral arrangements, not even a will. Neither is unusual, yet I still find the situation annoying, unreasonable, and thoughtless — a discerning view, not a criticism or judgment.

Why do we not allow the opportunity to plan our funeral? Then, when we leave here for the Great Beyond, our loved ones can grieve without needing to discern what were the wishes of dear Aunt Mary or sister, Peggy Sue. I get it, though. It’s hard to talk about our passing and face the idea of immortality. Yet, death comes to everyone. Sometimes we are graced with advanced notice, and sometimes, it comes suddenly. From eighteen, we can take steps to ensure what we want is carried out. If we change our minds in the future, we are welcome to do so. Consider it the final act of self-care.

I turned to my dear friend, Rhonda Wiles of Wiles Remembrance Centers in Farmington, Maine, to help me sort out what I needed to do for my sister. As always, she shared her time generously, offering me grace, understanding, and wisdom.

With permission to share, Rhonda told me the following story.

Years ago, a beloved family member wanted to be cremated and have his ashes spread off Old Orchard Beach Pier. His son fulfilled his father’s wishes, as we might expect a family member would do. His sister, however, expressed that she wasn’t comfortable with her father’s wishes and chastised her brother for completing the requested task. He was surprised but felt he had carried out his duty. Many years later, that son visited the pier with his wife and little one. He paced restlessly, finally expressing that, knowing his father’s ashes were spread there, the entire area felt like a cemetery. He was uncomfortable and felt beach goers were intruding. Finally, an understanding of his sister’s feelings began to take place. No discussion with the family had occurred about how they felt about their father’s final arrangements, not even with the father. Rhonda expressed the importance of including family, and especially that even with cremations, remaining loved ones may need a place where they can go to connect easily with and feel their loved one’s spirit.

When planning our funeral, most of us have not considered including family input. It’s a reasonable idea, one that can offer healing where needed. Yet, following due consideration, I believe our final wishes precede family and friends’ needs.

Last wishes conversations are necessary. Talking about death and dying is a way of making a person’s passing easier for them and assists with the grieving process later.

Dear sister, may your soul RIP. Your friends and family will miss you.

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