This week’s column was inspired by a book, a memory, and a recent exchange with my 11-year-old granddaughter while playing cards with her family mates. She’s competitive. So am I, except I’m competitive with myself, and she is focused on winning for the glory of beating others. It was this that led to our break in the game.

During our card game, she made a few errors, and we had all given her grace and allowed her another chance, but it came to a point where enough was enough. She knew how to play and not expect to be bailed out. She, of course, didn’t want her mistakes to cause her to lose. That’s not how things always work out. Sometimes our mistakes turn into winnings. Trust the process.

I said, remembering past experiences with her behavior after her soccer team lost, that winning isn’t everything. Enjoying the play and how we react to winning or not is more important. She vehemently denied this, but my son’s lovely partner backed me up.

I explained that even losing can feel good when we do our best. Her dad is her coach, and I’ve heard him yell at her team, “If you had played better, we would have won!”. It’s an archaic attitude. At the end of our card game, which she won, she got up, approached me, and said sincerely, without gloating, “Thanks for playing a great game with me, Nonna. I had fun.”

During my high school years, the basketball coach would yell, “Winning isn’t everything. It’s the only thing.” I hated hearing it then and hearing it more years later from the star athlete I married who no longer believes or lives these words. This same coach threw chairs and tantrums during games, invoking numerous penalties and affecting the player’s mental health. This is not winning.

After a particular game, Mom asked why I was upset. “We lost,” I said. “Winning isn’t everything,” she admonished. “How you play and feel about yourself afterward matters.” As I turned my head and gazed out the window, I knew she was right.

I also knew I didn’t believe how I said I felt. I was angry that the other team bullied us, yelling obscenities and throwing oranges at the team and marching band. Saying that instead felt like I was betraying my peers because I wasn’t angry about losing the game. Peer pressure is real and infectious.

Is a scoreboard how we know we’re a winner? Is that all there is – keeping score? What about how we feel inside when we support our life teammates at home, work, and play? Doesn’t this matter? Yes, losing hurts. But also, there is a later time for analyzing, correcting mistakes, and doing differently.

In the book Friday Night Lights: A Town, A Team, and A Dream by H.G. Bisinger, based on a true story about a coach, his team, and his life challenges, he writes of the team’s unifying rallying cry: “Clear eyes. Full Hearts. Can’t lose.” It means, with clear eyes, love who we are even when we’re sometimes disappointed because God knows, with a full heart, we did our best. We are always a winner.

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