BETHEL — “Correct pronoun use is suicide prevention,” said Training Coordinator August Sender of OutMaine.
“[Using someone’s correct pronouns] is like saying, ‘I see you, I hear you … ,'” Sender added.
Sender who uses they/them pronouns was speaking at Telstar Middle/High School on Feb. 29, invited by Telstar Civil Rights Club, Telstar PTA and the Youth Hub at Bethel’s West Parish Congregational Church.
Sender continued, “51% of our transgender high school students in Maine have seriously considered suicide in the last year… 28.4% percent of our transgender students have attempted suicide.
“Our kids are leaving this planet because they don’t see a future for themselves here and they don’t have anyone they can talk to about it,” said Sender.
The numbers are going up because of the anti-trans and anti- LGBTQ+ rhetoric, said Sender, adding that The Trevor Project is a resource for suicidal youth.
Leaving Maine
About 40 educators, future Youth Hub volunteers, and students were assembled at Telstar’s cafeteria, sipping soup and listening as Sender told them Maine LGBTQ+ youth move away and don’t return.
“They don’t see a future for themselves here in rural Maine … I want to see that change I want our LGBTQ+ kids to see a future for themselves here in these mountains and in these communities they grew up in, because most of them have left,” they said.
Sender said sexual orientation and gender identity starts around age 2. In explaining the terms cis and trans, Sender said cis refers to an individual who still identifies as the M or F a doctor assigned them at birth. While alternatively, trans, means not-aligned with the male or female designation assigned at birth.
Sender said about 2% of the time a doctor classifies a child as an intersex child. “Sex assigned at birth is not as binary as we thought,” they said.
Sender gave examples of how best to support Bethel’s LGBTQ+ citizens.
The conversation began with a definition of LGBTQ+ The letters refer to lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer and questioning. Sender said including the questioning category of youth is important because that group has elevations and the same risk factors as those who have already picked a word for themselves.
In Oxford County, 25.8% of high school students (or around 1 in 4) identify as LGBTQ+. While 7.5% of high school students identify as transgender or questioning. They said the LGBTQ+ statistic for Oxford County is about the average for all of Maine.
Pronouns
Much of the discussion at Telstar centered on pronouns. “Pronouns take practice,” said Sender. “It’s so much better for that kid to hear that you are trying [than not].
“Writing a boring story to yourself to practice using pronouns is helpful,” they said.
“Put in the effort to address your discomfort,” a youth advised in a video Sender aired.
Create situations where people are comfortable sharing their pronouns, keep it casual. Sharing your own pronouns on a nametag or on an email signature is a green flag to others to share theirs, Sender said.
What is going well?
Having asked the audience for examples of what is going well, one response was the additional books in the town’s libraries that show visual representation of diversity within families. The congregational church is open and affirming said a participant.
“At our high school [Telstar] we have people who come dressed in whatever they want to dress in and bringing whoever they want to bring,” said an educator.
“We have a [gay pride] flag, said Melody Bonnema.
“You’re willing to stand up for me. That means something,” Sender said to Bonnema.
Not going well?
Audience members said pronoun misuse and suicide rates were two things not going well .
Suicide numbers have stayed steady for the past two years, but attempts have risen, said Sender who added that when a school has a gay-straight trans alliance, it reduces bullying by 50%.
Further, OutMaine that began in 1996, offers weekly on-line youth groups and other groups that connect parents and caregivers on Zoom and in person. Various retreats support youth, too. OutMaine hosts a three-day youth camp that culminates in a Rainbow Ball.
“So many of our kids didn’t get to go to prom,” said Sender.
Tolerance v. affirmation
Tolerances are limits we put up for ourselves, while affirmation is about that other person, seeing people for who they are, explained Sender.
Sender asked if quotes displayed on the screen were affirming or tolerant.
“I love you but I’m not going to remember that new name,” was a non-affirming statement the audience agreed.
While, “I see your pronoun pin, that’s awesome,” is affirming they said.
Emphasizing the importance of just trying, Sender said, “if they [LGTBQ+ students] see you give up on trying they are going to give up on trusting you.”
When people hit these limits and hear themselves get defensive, that’s coming from a place of tolerance [not affirmation]. Moving toward affirmations and away from tolerance is about moving past your discomfort, Sender said.
Taking a free implicit bias test from Harvard University, said Sender, can help you can get data about yourself.
“If you take the implicit bias test and it tells you, you are biased, what do you do?” asked a participant.
Education and exposure to the things that are making you uncomfortable is the solution, said Sender.
Bullying
With regard to bullying or hurtful statements, Sender told the educators and others, get good at interrupting, rather than trying to make it a teaching moment, just shut it down.
“What just came out your mouth?, Uh-uh not in my class, not cool,” are ways to cut off a bully, Sender said.
“If you don’t do something as an adult in the room, that’s even worse. Now you have affirmed that that comment is OK,” said Telstar Principal John Eliot, who added that Telstar students and staff have taken active bystander training.
Under Maine’s laws, kids have the right to hear the right name and pronoun in school and they have the right to use the bathroom that most aligns with their gender, said Sender.
As the two-hour training concluded and the crowd began dispersing, Sender thanked the group saying, “It means a whole lot when people show up.”
Multiple bias tests are available here: https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/takeatestv2.html
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