Big news at the Shaw’s!

I’m so excited, I could faint. At long last, Shaw’s in Lewiston has installed new keypads at their self-checkout lines. No more blindly dipping your trembling finger under that weird hood meant to conceal your password from strangers. No more squinting at faded numerals and living in fear that you’ll be tackled by that security guy for punching in the wrong numbers. Since the store put in these clean new controls, I can check out with confidence and honestly, isn’t that what we all want out of life?

It’s February!

I had absolutely no idea that a new month was upon us until I was required to slap a date on this here column. You know. For recordkeeping purposes or something. Over the past few weeks I’d come to believe that January was never going to end. By the midpoint of the month, as I lost all semblance of sanity, I wouldn’t have been surprised to learn some new federal law had made January 3,000 days long, because that’s how it felt to me.

Guy on dirt bike in Lewiston

So I have numerous reports of a dude wheeling up Pine Street in Lewiston just ahead of the early week snowstorm. I want this guy arrested immediately, not because he’s breaking the rules of the road, but because he’s making me look like a big ol’ sissy. I used to ride my dual sport year-round, you know, and cold weather never kept me off the roads. But I haven’t done any of that in recent years and now this guy is out there taunting me. He might as well be hauling a streamer-style sign informing the world that “Mark LaFlamme is a wittle bitty baby who’s afraid of winter!” Which is utterly true, I will grant you.

Sad news about my boot dryer

So, I bought one of those fancy boot dryers at THE Job Lot a while back because I’m always coming home with sopping wet feet and such. During the big storm early in the week, I got so wet playing outside that every garment upon my bones had to be stripped off and piled onto said boot dryer. Turns out that this is not the proper use of a boot dryer. You’re only supposed to dry boots on it. Who knew? I was just about to climb on top of the gizmo to dry my own puckered flesh when suddenly there was an acrid smell and the dryer fizzed out. Completely dead. I killed that four-limb beast and now I have to go back to drying my gear the old-fashioned way, whatever THAT is.

Mark LaFlamme is an award-winning Sun Journal reporter and columnist. He’s covered the nighttime police beat since 1994, which is just grand because he doesn’t like getting out of bed before noon. He is the author of eight published novels and rides a dual sport motorcycle everywhere he goes. Unless it’s winter, in which case he just sulks a lot.