October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month

In the wake of this year’s tragic domestic violence homicides, one question has been repeated in communities throughout Maine: How could this happen? Many editorials and letters to the editor have reminded us that domestic violence is never the victim’s fault. The only person who can truly change the situation is the abusive individual.

But while many of us are aware of resources to help a victim, what should we do if our friend, loved one, or colleague is actually the one choosing to be abusive? How can we reach out to the abuser before a situation escalates to violence?

In many cases, the community is aware of the abuse, but no one knows exactly what to say to the perpetrator. Often fear keeps us from speaking up. There is fear of the abusive person’s actions, especially if that person is violent, as well as fear of how the intervention will affect the victim. Many abusers will punish the victim under the assumption that the victim talked about the abuse.

There is also fear of losing the victim’s trust or friendship. Someone experiencing abuse may still love their partner and feel that their partner is being judged unfairly. In some cases, the victim is financially or otherwise dependent on the abuser, making them protective of him or her.

Ultimately, the best way to reduce the incidents of domestic violence is to hold abusive individuals accountable for their behavior. The following are some tips for talking to someone about their abuse.

Name the behavior that you see as abusive. It is important that we educate one another on what is considered abuse. What’s more, by focusing on the abusive person’s actions, rather than their character, we can provide opportunities for change.

Emphasize how their actions affect the people around them. Perpetrators often minimize the abuse and blame others for their actions. It is important that they recognize the impact of the behavior on the victim, but also on the friends and family who witness the abuse.

Remind them about the laws regarding domestic violence. Abuse is not a private family matter; some abuse is a crime. If you are concerned about an immediate incident or are aware that someone is violating a protection from abuse order, make a report to local law enforcement.

Refer the individual to Safe Voices’ Alternatives to Abuse program, an educational group for men who use abusive behaviors.

When confronting an abusive person, keep in mind that the victim’s safety is paramount. Avoid any interaction that puts the victim at greater risk. Also, protect yourself. While most abusive individuals only abuse their intimate partners and family members, someone who feels cornered or has a tendency to escalate may lash out. Do not confront someone who is likely to direct violence at you. And finally, if you witness violence occurring, call 911. Law enforcement officers have the training and resources to respond to assault.

Remember, only the people choosing to abuse can change their behavior. To learn more about working with an abusive individual, to get more information about the Alternatives to Abuse program, or to get help for someone experiencing abuse, please call our 24-hour help line at 1-800-559-2927. It is free and confidential.

Check out these community events open to the public:

Oct. 3: Standing Up, Speaking Out: Domestic violence vigil, 6 p.m., Kennedy Park gazebo, Lewiston

Oct. 24: Domestic violence and offender accountability forum, 5:30 p.m., Auburn Public Library

Victoria Williams is the Androscoggin County community educator for Safe Voices, formerly the Abused Women’s Advocacy Project.